The last day of 2017...always seems special, yet there are really 365 lasts of 2017. We humans like to ritualize everything in search of meaning. Still, now as we forget to write "17" and change it to "18", another year has ticked on. 

It is resolution time, but I tend to stay away from very formal ones these days as Arthur-itis and His Friends can be unpredictable and it gets too depressing when I can't meet my own goals.  It is very hard for me not to "give up" completely and just accept that each day is going to be a no-win struggle against disability, pain, and a lack of productivity. When the head is fine but the body isn't, and it looks fine, it is a challenge.  God knows I've written about this here. 

I got a epidural back shot last Friday that seems to be helping a bit with the leg issues, so here goes a "With luck..." - a personal resolution list:

1) Be better to my birds. More out of cage time, cleaner cages, more enrichment (things for them to do in their cages.) They truly are my "5 Princes" and bring so much happiness and joy to my life. They have no choice about it, as they live with me, so the least I can do is try my best to keep them as happy. They are smart, sensitive, loving, and so fun to be around. They deserve the best. 

2) Make time for art every day, and examine process a bit more.  I've been getting really tight with the embellishment lately to the point where producing the ideas is sidetracked by "essential" process. But is it? There are no shortcuts for me, it seems -- I need to develop the pieces inch by saturated inch. No matter how long it takes. I love the look and feel when  a piece is complete. But my pace is slow. Maybe it is time to try to branch out to more paper work based on the ideas that I would like to do with fabric, as it is faster. Not as rich, but faster, and would allow me to get ideas out. I see another focused night of work ahead...maybe Thursdays, dedicated to "just paper." Hmmmm...

3) Go back to using a paper planner. I stopped lately and think it does help keep my work, long and short term, on track.  Even when I use it to document what I have done rather than what I have to do, it helps keep an accurate reflection of where I am at and where time goes. Man, it goes. 

4) Sleep more. I tend to push myself too far and feel guilty if I sleep too much. I fight sleep, always have. Feels like a waste of time. But, regrettably, I can tell that a good, long delicious sleep does help with pain. I will try to not feel guilty and downright wasteful if I sleep an extra hour or two, here and there, unless it is on a work day! 

5) Get to work earlier. I live freaking 300 feet from my place of employment and am often the last one in the building in the morning. Terrible! Again, the slow wake up of the bod has something to do with this, but maybe I need to make more effort. Will try. 

Five little goals are enough, methinks. I hope everyone is optimistic about 2018 and gets their art on to a self-satisfying degree! Happiness, good health, great friends, and parrots. Peace out! 

Awoke at 5:30, but stayed in bed a little longer to watch the snow fall. And think of the times when I swear to God I heard reindeer hoofs on the roof next to my bedroom,when actually it was my parents retrieving hidden gifts from the crawlspace.  Magic. 

I have an aversion to sleeping in a dark room. I often sleep with the lights on. Last night I tried using a little silly battery operated tea light to gently illuminate the room, and found it to be a perfect amount of light to wake up to in the early hours. Add to it the above mentioned snow, and it is a recipe for morning's soft landing. 

Armed with coffee, with eggnog instead of milk, I sit down to shake open my mind and see what salient thoughts might pop out. I am in my art room today, with the usual bird chatter a few rooms away. Savoring the quiet. Theo the cat sits in his beloved cat bed on my sewing table to my left, watching the snow fall, too. Suddenly, a little chubby squirrel appears out of nowhere. He rests in a crook of branches in the tree outside my house, at eye level, and seems oblivious to the wet. Seems like he is watching me. I watch him. I wonder if it is "my" squirrel -- the one that I see all summer long on my porch railing. I think of the cold, wet snow.

He scuttles down the tree and crosses the street to the sidewalk outside my house. He stops in front of my house, stands on his hind legs and looks up at my window. He knows I see him. I go to my bread drawer and pull out a piece of Jessica's Brick Oven Tuscan White Pane and tear it up into shreds of a size suitable to a squirrel. I toss one his way, and put the rest on my porch railing where I know he (or she?) will find it later.  MY squirrel has decided that my trash, including the rolled up newspapers with dropped bird veggies, is his buffet and that he his always welcome. I hope he doesn't mind that he bread isn't toasted today. 

And yes, it is Christmas, The hubub has ceased, at least for a day.  We treasure the people and things in our lives, the rich opportunities we all have, and extend supportive thoughts and actions to people we perceive as having less of what they need. We are so fortunate to live in this world, at this time, despite its craziness. And yet, as is human nature, we find things to call problems all the time. 

​I look around this cluttered art space and think how true, maddening, and rather gross it is that one of my main "problems" is that I have too much. Too much stuff, both physical and otherwise. Too many interests, too many art supplies, too many "pets" (though they are children, really...).  Too many icons on my desktop and files on my hard drives. Too many goals, too many memories, too many books, too many beads -- ok, I take that one back as a genuine impossibility. Beads are crack to me! Too many storage containers and lids, too many medicines, too many cd's. Too much.  Once we get all this stuff we need more stuff to organize it all. Bigger, more, bigger, more. It's a vicious cycle.

I am not thinking that I "should" get rid of it all and live like an IKEA queen. I love my stuff. It inspires me and comforts me, and keeps my mind off the never-ending pain in my body, sometimes. But there is something about a quiet snowy morning that makes it seem possible to do some erasing...and just let some "busy-ness" go, to forget all the things that need doing or have been done, or need organizing, and just watch a squirrel eat bread.  I still remember the story I heard when I was 19 and went to Egypt. A native Egyptian that was selling alabaster vases talked about a busy professional red headed woman from England that came to Egypt and fell in love with the country and,eventually, a man. She left an Important Job and everything else and took up living in a rural village near Aswan, and lived happily ever after, getting water at the well and learning how to make her own bread. Not sure if that is truth or not, but there are times when it sure looks appealing to see life from a new point of view. 

The sun is fully up now and the pretty blue haze on the snow has been replaced with a crusty, wet sheen. The big ugly plow comes down my street and reveals asphalt where my little squirrel just sat.  Having and living "too much" is a good problem to have, but sometimes, just for one day, I'd like to be my squirrel. Maybe today.   Peace out and Merry Christmas.  

Hallelujah! The magical afternoon finally arrived when I could dismiss my students and winter break began. I am teaching a small elective class how to do simple stitching, and we spent the last period of the day dealing with threading frustrations, learning how to tie knots, and making running stitches. It was hard work if you are a sixth grader with limited sewing experience! I am grateful for the few students who have learned some of this before from family members. Kids are so quick to dismiss gaining a new skill as impossible if they can't master it in five minutes. It is great to see learning happen, though, when they gradually get better at each little step and are on their way to using a technique creatively. 

The entire day dragged by today. I wanted to give my classes naps instead of carrying on with lessons. Coughs, runny noses, and tired faces all need to be combated with some good sleep over the next week. We've all "had it" and if today was a Thursday I think we might have collectively forgot about Friday.  One student sat slumped on his desk before class began, with his head held on his hand, looking up at me and desperately saying "I just want to go hooo-oooome."  That pretty much sums the day up! 

Today was my late Mom's birthday. She always disliked how her birthday fell on the darkest days of the year, and today is no exception. Gloomy despite fresh, fluffy snow. I hope it is bright wherever she is now. Today is also my Aunt and Uncle's 60th wedding anniversary! What a accomplishment of love and commitment rarely seen in the world today.  I can't even imagine.

Creatively, I look forward to a week of organizing, re-centering, and finishing the beading on the Stonehenge piece. The Christmas Truck ran me over as I scrambled to prepare things for friends and family while getting a lot done at school and trying to stay healthy, and I think I actually heard this piece sobbing as it sat neglected on the work table. I think there might be very subtle embroidered text added, and more more more beads. Ahhhh. 

Have been sleeping a lot more than usual lately, and instead of fighting it, I am trying to appreciate that I can sleep, and that most of the time it assists in managing pain.  In my attempt to not "be lazy" I think sometimes I do too much, and it catches up with me. The leg pain is made worse by inflammation which definitely is worse when I am exhausted or have stood/walked more than my body can handle. I get frustrated that I can't handle as much as I need and want to, though! I have a back shot scheduled for over vacation and am hoping that will help with the leg and foot pain that has become very problematic.  Maybe then I will catch a break and have more time to live rather than just rest-rest-rest.  

Instead of dreaming of sugarplums, I dream of threads, beads, and cloth. If only sleep-sewing was "a thing"! Onward to a week spent with my Elderhostel pals, the birds, and the cats, who love nothing more than hanging out in the art room with me as I work. Family time! Cheers.

A beautiful snowy Sunday morning...wait...did I say "beautiful" and "snowy" in the same sentence?  For some reason, this snow fell at a really soft pace and left behind a fluffy carpet that isn't too hard to deal with.  I shoveled once last night, and it wasn't that hard, and today won't be much different. Add to it an unexpected wake up at 2 a.m. when I could see the quiet scene out my windows, the snow lighting up the usually mysterious terrain, and I actually thought it looked...gulp...pretty. I have a feeling I won't be saying that in February. 

So what does one do when wide awake at 2 a.m.? I had a sudden creative idea to make something today, a little thing, to lift my mood and, well, have some fun in my sewing room. I knew I had a book on the topic and at that time of the morning was quite impressed with myself that I knew exactly where it was, even though it lay unread for multiple years. Bam, we cuddled back into bed, my rediscovered book and I, and started thinking of today. We shall see if there is time between floor washing, dog worrying, and other duties. Will try to make time. 

Dog worrying because the Tobster has taken a tough dip with his diabetes and/or Addison's, being quite ill this week and needing more insulin to keep him going. I ordered a blood glucose kit and it arrived last night. The paperwork showed how easy it was to use the provided lancet to gracefully tap the dog's toepad to produce a drop of blood. This is not exactly what happened at my house. If it wasn't so serious it would be funny. 

The poor dog became a pincushion as I tried to get blood from his paw, which produced nothing, and then his ear. Mind you this is a dog that needs three healthy adults to restrain him for a nail trim.  When I was able to procure a little drop of blood, using an insulin needle rather than the lancet, the glucose meter errored out, telling me I waited too long to wet the strip, or wet it too early. Or that there wasn't enough blood. Finally, with me nearly in tears and Toby not much better, I let it rest until after he ate and had his insulin. At this point I decided to use a bigger needle. He was asleep and I quickly did the dirty work, procuring enough of a sample to register on the machine and obtain a beautiful reading of 122. Dogs should be 70-120. I was fearing something in the hundreds. So, we are on the right track with the Tobster. Such pressure on me to have to hold his life in my hands.  Literally. 

Seems like I've been in quite a mental rut lately with a low mood, increased brain fog, weight gain, and increased tiredness. I got recharged with Remicade on Thursday, which I hope helps. Have to visit the pain clinic this week to discuss treatment for a spinal nerve entrapment issue that is causing significant pain and numbness in both legs and feet right now.  Back shot on the menu.

As much as I like to read up on all the meds I take and potential treatments, sometimes I am slow to put the pieces together. I had to increase a nerve pain med about six weeks ago, and upon reading the side effects and patients' accounts of this medication, I see that my recent brain issues are most likely a result of this increase. This is both a relief and a conflict, as the medication is helping me cope with the pretty bad leg pain. Pick your poison, as they say. Have to prioritize moving and hoping now that I know much of the negative head game is most likely med related, I can put it in perspective and move on.  And make things to feel even better. 

Game on! Time to shovel! Cheers. 

​

A Saturday morning following a very long sleep. I guess if I didn't need it, I would have woken up, but it is hard to accept that I can sleep for fourteen hours with only one brief wake up and still be alive. Even stranger, the dogs did, too. Except I had to wake them up when I got up for a midnight stretch to put the confused parrots to bed. So, it is now ten a.m. and the laziness continues. The legs are slowly filling with delicious black coffee and the meds are kicking in.  MRI scheduled for tomorrow to see what is cooking in the spine area that is causing such leg pain...again...good grief. 

I love that Kizzy waited until I came downstairs to let himself out of his cage and come out to the kitchen to say "Hello!" To think of the damage he could have done on his own, unsupervised. He is such a good boy. 

Right now the birds are getting itchy for brekky and are literally on their perches to my left and right looking down at me. Hapi is saying "Alright!" "Let's go!" "Breakfast!" Cairo is climbing all over me, going from shoulder to shoulder via my head and the necklace transit system around my neck. Yet I have to pause, for a couple more minutes before turning the Amy Machine on. I see something absolutely fantastic that I have to stop and appreciate through writing here. 

Hapi's bald neck spot is filling in. As he sits above me, I can see a little pink line on his keelbone but the neck is feathered again.  Whatever caused him to pluck himself raw seems to have shifted, and while the feathers look a bit ratty, they are coming in. Some areas may never fill in completely as the follicles are damaged, but at least there are feathers covering the biggest bald spot and he seems okay. I do not know what brought on the plucking, and was told everything from puberty to anxiety to diet to jealousy or not enough one-on-one time. I focused on all these things and haven't a clue what has helped. I do know though, that I love this bird so much (as do my students) and he has become a very important part of me. Seeing him mutilate his feathers is a painful thing to watch. Welcome back Hapi! Hope this keeps going. 

Onward to a day of errands, cleaning, and hopefully art. Making progress on the current Stonehenge quilt -- it is a doozy in terms of embellishment and subtle design decisions.  Every inch is a challenge and there is so much to add to this photographic structure. I really like working this way and am thinking ahead to what comes next even as I finish this...good motivation to get moving!  C'mon coffeeeeeee.....cheers.