Four busy, mostly voiceless weeks as spring has sprung and I try to keep up! The kids at school are looking --- and behaving -- very rough around the edges...they are tired. I am definitely rough around the edges and ready for summer to come. The expression goes "There is no tired like teacher tired," and it is true. I save a really exciting unit for my 7th graders until this time of year, to hold their attention, and hope it works its magic this year, too. How many days?!

New things are on the horizon for me and my art, and hopefully it will include artists that want to connect up and share, too. More coming this summer. Suspense!

Will be dropping off a textile art piece to share for the 375th "Paint the Town" exhibit this week. It may or may not be finished at this point, not saying, but it will be done by drop off time. The photo to the left is the digital print I began with, and it shows my little house on one  of the oldest maps in Reading.

​I like the piece and it says what I wanted it to say -- that living in good old 01867 has really been ground zero in my world, that my center never shifted -- even when I was living in Istanbul or Somerville. Home is here, in this old house, on this old street, a few doors down from the school where I am fortunate enough to now teach. I have memories of my Irish Grandfather living in Reading when I was little, and us walking together from the candy store near the depot, and him covering me with his jacket when it started to rain. Of my mom and me sneaking to McDonalds for a picnic lunch (and to feed the pigeons) when other 5 year olds were in kindergarten, and I had yet to start school. Of church fairs, school open houses, and the lights on the common. All of it. I have so many memories, and as a friend once said, "have the deepest roots of anyone she's ever known." I don't know why. Mom and Dad Ropple are buried up the street, and I can still bring flowers from their yard to their graves (as Dad requested.) I can be woken up by sunshine in my bed in the same place it was 45 years ago. Now, though, I share the room with my pups and cats, not my poor sister who always was more organized than I was!

​Most of all, I can be part of teaching kids here -- an honor that I will never ever be able to understand. I used to walk my dogs around Parker before being a teacher, in awe of the building and the unbelievable people who staffed it. Once I'd started to study teaching, I distinctly remember telling my dog that "One day, after I teach for a long time somewhere else and get good enough, maybe, just maybe, I can teach here." My boxer girl said "yeah, right," and was not too worried about the chances of that happening.

The school, under the leadership of Jack Delaney, was iconic in so many Reading kids' lives. Fast forward twenty five years and I still shake my head with wonder at the role I've been given, and perpetually question my efficacy. Teaching is truly the toughest job you'll ever love. To all the kids whose needs I did not meet, I give you a heartfelt apology and hope you were able to find it somewhere else. For those of you who I can or could help, I am grateful for the opportunity.  I am grateful now, too, that our school has an outstanding principal, Richelle Shankland, providing true leadership and devotion with humor, professionalism, and sheer talent. We are so lucky to have her. 

As Reading turns 375, I think of all my memories, which condense into such a short time compared to the town's long history, and am grateful that I was able to stay.  A little town, a strange town, my soul's Ground Zero.  Happy Birthday, Reading!

On a roll! Really enjoying making samples for the School of Stitched Textiles class. Spent last night drawing with my sewing machine and really getting into it. Practicing cross hatching and translating pencil marks into free motion stitches. Vacation = art time. More today and then figuring out my entries for a couple upcoming art exhibits. RA takes its toll, but I am determined to not let it take over everything. Lately it has felt like all the good things in life are being gobbled up by the constant pain monster, but luckily vacation has arrived in time to snatch me from its jaws. Alternating "have to do's" with "want to do's" this week, and not giving up. Amazing what a little rest can do for a mental outlook! Amazing how different my pain levels are when I can move and function at my own pace and not stomp around on cement floors. Sigh.  I think that makes a biiiiiig difference. 

So sad to see Notre Dame burn yesterday. Medieval masterpiece, subjected to yet another rebuild. Eerie photos and films showing smoke filling the unburned interior made me think back to medieval times. I am glad it will be rebuilt, but sad that "The Fire of 2019" will be added to its history. 

Had a fun Sunday at Todd Farm Flea Market. Dear friends had a table and were hawking antique and modern goods. I hung with them and appreciated the environment in which everyone appreciates the old, the worn, the historical. The junk. Will be joining them the Sunday after Easter again.  It might lead to me having a place to pass on all the cool things I like to "collect." I have too many interests and too much stuff -- it would be great to thin the house of stuff I am no longer passionate about. Adam Ant pins and concert books, anyone? Yes, it is time.  Make an offer, world. Single records from the late 70's and 80's? Ditto. Parrot salt and pepper shakers I never used? Bye bye. Giant chrome boxer hood ornament I gave my mom more than 20 years ago, and has been gathering dust ever since? See ya. Laughs will be had for sure.  I am filling Homegoods bags and am quite impressed with my "stock" so far. One man's trash is another man's treasure, and all that. We shall see. Maybe it is all trash!

In any event, I am inspired by the amalgamation of historical things on tables at a flea market. Like a timeline of treasures, of joy, of history. Perusing the tables is like stepping into a dream where time periods collide and memories float. Different objects trigger thoughts of childhood, ancestry, travel, and more. It can be overwhelming to think about all the "stuff" we take in because we "love" it. Or maybe it is just me? Worth is subjective and the joy of finding something unique and special at a place like this is priceless.  Will be fun to sit on the other side of the table and see others find their gems. 

​

Slowly but surely New England is crawling from the wreckage of winter. I've spotted crocuses and a few daffodils poking their little leaves through yet untended mulch, early explorers checking in to see if it is safe to fully bloom. We've had a couple really pretty days that are encouraging. As the saying goes, slow progress is still progress. 

This applies to my current art, too. Winter often brings me a creative stall-out. Maybe it is the darkness, the cold, the early nights. Once the sun hangs around a little longer, I can find more minutes to throw towards current projects. I am really excited about the recent direction my art bus has decided to take, and am looking forward to finding a few hours this weekend to develop some samples. Finally a solid direction. Being an artist, or maybe a fiber artist, is like that -- we can fiddle with techniques, make fragmentary attempts at making Real Art, capture potential ideas in sketchbooks and on napkins, get super animated about an idea one day only to find that it isn't what we thought it was, the next. It is a windy road. When the right idea catches up with the right materials, and suddenly the dotted line becomes solid, it is a good feeling. 

Throw in a lack of time to take this journey, though, and what was unpredictable poor health becoming the predictable norm, now, and I value having a creative direction more than ever.  I rarely sit and stitch for hours lately as it is taking me longer to get through all the regular things that need to be done for basic living. I am slow. I've gained weight. This new, heavy, always-in-pain me feels like I am always struggling.  I know part of the answer to feeling better is to spend more time actually working on my art, and hope that as the days get longer, this is possible. One foot in front of the other, snatching minutes of reasonable health like a crow devouring a day, I am surrounded by fabric, threads, and beads galore in my living space and they keep my imagination alive. No, it isn't clutter. It is a visual filing system! 

Taking the School of Stitched Textiles class has been very helpful for me in that it has presented me with an artistic theme as a challenge that I've had trouble getting my head around. It is great to be challenged to really go deep and think about what I make, an create from a place of narrative instead of just exploring new media, which I have been doing for the past couple years.  I feel like I have a theme now that is leading me in a new direction that will let me combine media in ways that will bring surprises and test limits. Now, just to get the actual work done! Game on! Cheers. 

That feeling of winter hibernation seems to be lifting, thankfully. Despite having a light winter with very little snow (knock on wood) it HAS been a long, cold, dark winter and I am glad to see it go. Onward to spring! The sun is up and out ahead of me this morning as I sip a coffee and wait for the morning pain and stiffness to move along. And wait. Might be a double cappuccino morning today. 

As my friends know, I'm a frequent Facebook user. I check in a few times a day, noting interesting posts, keeping in touch with friends and family in ways I would not otherwise be able to do. I learn things, too -- so many things! Great art links, Squeeze links, book links, bird links, now guinea pig links. So much information is out there and FB is one avenue that provides it. Do I trust all the "news?" No. Do I see amazing art and learn a lot? Yes! 

Which is why I found it laughable that I had a realization recently that I do not really represent myself as an artist on Facebook. I have always lumped my personal in with my artistic, as they are all lumped up within me, but have had this other page with art on it and very few posts. When I view other artist's facebook pages, I am always impressed with the clear stream of artwork - no parrots, no guinea pigs, no posts that are angry about losing time to chronic pain. Just art. This blog is evidence of the identity mish mash - as has been pointed out to me by at least one unpleasant reader. I whine, whine, whine, then mention art, then whine again about how I can't do all I'd like, then whine again. And mention a parrot or five in the process. Is it possible to separate the art from the person? Should there be a difference?  I ponder. 

So, I have renamed my "Amy Ropple" facebook page which I considered to be my "Art" page, but had almost nothing on it, to "Amy Ropple Artist" and will be hopefully streamlining what I post on FB in a more organized way, and sharing more art in the process.  So if you are into my art, but annoyed by the rest of it, "Like" and follow THAT page instead of my regular one. I have to make a conscious effort to post there as I am so used to having one page up and running, but think over time it will be worth it.  Next big job will be to figure out Instagram, as that is where all the "kids" and my friends are at (lol!)

It is spring at Ropple Manor, and as I write the monotonous shrill of unrequited Quaker parrot love is filling the air like sandpaper on silk. It. never. stops.  My two boys, Boncuk and Zaza, are in love and bonded, but lately Zaza has taken to pouncing on Boncuk and plucking his feathers, pecking at him, and being too dominant a partner. I separate them, and they both scream. I put them together, and they scream. Basically they just scream. This is an unpleasant fact of spring, but I still will take it over the cold of winter. Cheers! 

The creative whirlwind continues! 

After three great days at school filled with drawing, weaving, digital art, and fun middle schoolers, I was given a two day reprieve to attend the National Art Education Association national convention in Boston with my colleague.  It was filled with ideas for new approaches to the methodology and content of what I teach, and getting to spend literally hours in the vendors' hall learning about new materials (and collecting more than a few samples!) was inspiring. Watching hundreds, or thousands, of art teachers get into the same thing was great, too. I am grateful to have such administrative support that would send us there to keep the creative fires burning in our art rooms. 

In addition to all of the learning, I was happy to make a few new connections with places where I might be able to connect with as an artist. More details to come, after a few proposals get mailed out...cross fingers!

The drawback to attending this jam-packed couple of days was the physical and mental payback. Slept like a zombie, and am still recovering! Unfathomable tiredness, full on body pain (imagine a really bad flu, here), and a massive back up of things to get done this weekend. Ugh! It was worth it, though. I love Boston and spending time there is fun and visually entertaining, to say the least. I brought one of my little sketchbooks and did some stitching into it during some down time, which helped keep me awake. I hope to be more charged up by tomorrow, as today I still feel like I'm at about 40%.

Happy day yesterday with my virtual pal April the Giraffe. For the second time she waited until a Saturday to give birth. Yesterday I watched with thousands of others as little hooves emerged from her nether regions, followed by a nose, the head, the shoulders, then whooooosh, the rest of the new little baby giraffe. It is a very special experience to be able to watch such a beautiful event. Is it worth the drive and time to go to the animal park to visit the mama and baby in person this summer? Mayyyybe! I wanted to see the last baby but never did...here's another chance? If I can dare to take it, and risk being on the road for a long time in a car and getting hit with incapacitating fatigue and/or pain. Such is life...always a risk that planned trips and events will become difficult and unenjoyable at minimum, dangerous at max. Still...that mama giraffe face is the sweetest thing I've seen since Tilly's morning yawn. 

Onward to a St. Patrick's day that will hopefully be filled with a balance of art, rest, and the domestic duties that are mandatory for basic survival. Cheerio!

Acceptance. Maybe.

What does it mean to truly be accepting of a reality that can't be ignored? I think of the movie title "I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can" -- and feel like this is how I have approached things in my life lately. Keep all the balls in the air at once, and make it happen.  Tired? Just. Keep. Going. Feeling physically sick? Just. Keep. Going. Stressed out? Just. Keep. Going. Overwhelmed? Just. Keep. Going. Eventually you get through things by putting one foot in front of the other and just making progress. 

Have been told since birth by culture that it is possible to do anything and everything, and this has become an internal expectation, to some degree. One of my students commented on their supposed ability to "Go out there and influence the world" in big ways, saying it was a lot of pressure and was an unrealistic expectation to begin with. Wise words from youth! While I know I will never be an NBA star or neurosurgeon, I realize I have placed a lot of expectations on myself to "be" a lot of things in my little world, and while I love all the things, I might have developed very unrealistic expectations along the way.  I have so many interests -- passions, really -- and try to learn and do as much as possible with the little life I've been given.  

But there are limits.

Looking back at the past few months I see that I have physically hit the wall with an unending RA flare and biologic medications that are not doing much of anything. Every day has been a difficult mix of severe soreness and stiffness, lots of jarring pain, and fatigue. Oh, the fatigue. My response has been to respond to the physical situation only when against the wall, when pushing back has become almost impossible. Have my expectations for myself changed, along with this uptick in disease activity? Nope. Why should they change? We have to have goals, right? Always strive to do better, be better, live better?  My strategy has been to fight against the limits, alone and hard, but I think I need a change from that, now. 

What has changed is an increase of a feeling of futility, negative thinking, and depression. There, I said it. It has been a rough few months, folks.  The "D" word.  Maybe it is the RA, maybe it is the weather and time of year. Maybe it is a lot of things. My art space is underused and disorganized. I have about five sketchbooks and writing books underway, and a daily planner that I have abandoned for a month.  I have scoured the Internet and voraciously read amazing art books. I have ideas, so many ideas, but the energy, time and space to bring them to fruition just hasn't materialized. It has made me sad.

I feel like my ability to “do it all” has changed. I want to be able to teach more, do more, live more, but just can’t see beyond the next nap I have to take.  I am a disappointment to myself, and hate the fact that I am not in control of my own time and physicality. I know it isn't "my fault" that I am not up to snuff physically, but that doesn't change the fact that I am not functioning at 100% right now.  That I can not seem to eek out the time and space to create the artwork that I dream about. I feel like that past few months have been a battle between functional survival and the need for sleep. It is hard to think about art when your brain is so, so tired and your body is aching all over, every day. Every day.  Think Maslow's hierarchy of needs, here.

The effects of carrying around pain and exhaustion are cumulative and I think I've just hit the wall.  It IS depressing to not be able to do what your heart and soul needs to do to be happy. I have seriously thought about giving up all my art stuff -- selling off machines, fabric, beads, everything -- and just starting over as a non-art person. Would there be less stress and less pain? Maybe, for a while.  Just focusing on basic daily needs would be enough. For a while. 

But I know that can't happen.  I am too entangled in my love for threads and artmaking to walk away. It is my support beyond all others. I think that I just need to acknowledge that I've crossed a line with this health thing, and it is starting to get the better of me. If I am not careful, the guilt over not being artistically productive will eat away at my sense of self. It already has, to some degree. I have to let go of the guilt and personal artistic expectations that I've held onto for so long, and realize that getting anything done is an accomplishment, no matter how small. I can't compare what I do now to what I used to do, as the me that is forced to accept limits is not the same person. Who knows...maybe if I lower expectations a bit, more might be accomplished? 

The purpose of this post is not to complain or solicit empathy. I just feel the need to explain my lack of productivity, mostly to myself, and this blog is my vehicle for doing that. While it should be showcasing recent artworks on a monthly basis, it feels like one long whine, caused by the friction of looming physical decline. 

All of this being said, I am still working - most recently on a series of stitched still life pieces of, of all things, my kitchen knife rack. The irony is not lost on me. I'll be participating in Wakefield's Art and Edibles art show this week and these pieces will be on display. I am not sure they are really "finished" as they are samples for my UK textile art class, but the current form will just have to do. 

Like a lot of things, I think. Cheers. 

Day 1 of February vacation, and it is off to a good start! 

Last week my dear neighbors gave me a large, beautiful sideboard. They had it moved into my cluttered, disorganized and mostly cabinet-less kitchen, where it now sits empty, waiting for me to sort all my kitchen stuff and make sense of it all. It is perfect! It has set into play a cycle of much needed domestic reorganization and attention. Things have gotten very stale, messy, and tired in my house, and sometimes I get "stuck" and forget I can change things around here. I often live in "daily physical survival mode" and just have to leave things the way they are, as there are no physical resources available to do anything. And I HATE to ask for help.

The bird room is connected to the kitchen, so I began there. Made room for my little kitchen table, which honestly I have not seen in ages due to me piling stuff on it. Now I can enjoy sitting with the birdies, and they seem very happy with the change.  Add to it a lovely recliner my neighbors also sent over, and I may never leave the room again! Since I rarely watch TV anymore, I am not in the bird room much. Now I have two new reasons to be with my feathered friends from time to time. Can sit and stitch with my feet up sometimes, instead of being hunched over a table. Improvement!

Then, it hit me. I made a spontaneous decision to do something that I thought would be an all consuming, never ending task: changing old, yucky bookshelves over to new, clean ones that are not overstuffed and sagging. It has bothered me for, well, years, yet I never had the fortitude to just plan it and do the much needed task.  I walk by the bookcases multiple times a day, and seeing the mess was a visual bother, several times a day. The bookcases were purchased a lifetime ago and the white laminate was veritably curved from the weight of too many books. I had them when I was married and lived in an apartment, and they came with me to this house. They have been bumped, jostled, broke, "fixed" and even disrespected by Toby da Pug. They have been a fixed part of my surroundings -- so fixed I hardly saw them anymore.

I love my books. All of them. They deserved better, and I deserved to look at better!

So, on a whim, I actually asked my friend Tim to be a partner in crime in an IKEA marathon day, and we actually did it. Driving to IKEA, surviving the showrooms and self-service furniture hunting, packing the car, driving back, unloading, assembling, emptying old shelves, bringing them outside, going through every book and 'thing' that has been crammed on the old shelves. I saw "we" -- but really all I did was navigate a little, hold doors open, and move the books. Tim did the rest, bless him. The little I did resulted in enough visible evidence in my knees, ankles, and feet last night that I did too much. Which really is the pits, as I used to be able to do my own assembling. Sigh.  I am so grateful for Tim's patient, kind nature through all of this. He did a fantastic job putting them together without a gripe or complaint. 

The new IKEA bookcases are strong, clean, and beautiful. My books fit really well and even my special collection of books on Ancient Egypt are together again in one place. As I put each of the volumes back on the shelf, I really considered whether I needed it or not -- and all but four made the cut. My books are part of me, and are there to spark a thought or inspiration as needed.

It feels miraculous to see these few little changes adjust the feeling of my living space. I am a rigid creature of habit who tends to question change, and the need for it. I am like my father -- I can tune out things in my environment that need doing too easily to the point where they are no longer a problem. This has both god and bad repercussions.

It feels like a little fresh air has been pumped into the staleness, and I feel more empowered to tackle other areas in my home. My goal, as always, is to tame the domestic tiger so that I have more art time -- and these little changes seem to point in that direction. My brain wants to get every little organizing task done today, NOW, but my body fights me literally every step. Progress will be slow, and I have to accept this. But, at least, there is some visual improvement. 

And my books are happy to have been held again, even if it was just to move them to a new shelf. 

And just like that, fallow turned to useable soil. I have a theme for my current study module, I have samples started and planned out, all I need is time and reasonably good health to get there. It is a very convoluted answer to the assignment's request, but I think it fits enough to move forward. 

But the snow.


​It snowed last night and now it is sleeting/raining/vomiting on top of about 8" of the stuff. Looks like misery incarnate to go out there. It is going to freeze though, so there is a lot to be done. Plow came (thank you world for that) but unlike other storms where the snow will melt or can be picked away at, this one has a tight timeframe with freezing temps on the way, turning the whole mess to ice. Yet every time I want to really complain (this is a whine, not a full out complaint, if you can't tell the difference) I think of my amazing neighbor Mary who, at an age above 80, still insists on shoveling herself, and it is a game to try to get out there before she does. She is a tall, strong woman, who has survived both polio and cancer, and handled the latter with such grace, strength, and positivity it seemed like she was shaking off the common cold. I am in awe of this woman and her quiet, kind, reserved manner. Always thoughtful with her words, never judgemental, always assuming the good and offering a smile and sincere kindness at every turn. She is an amazing woman who has served others her whole life, as her stellar nursing career lasted longer than I have been alive. Now she cares for her sister, who is also an amazing woman, and plays with the house furniture like it is a dolls house, always making new arrangements and, of course, moving everything herself despite offers to help. I am thrilled to see that their puppy Mia has bonded closely with her, and they are clearly a team. It is great to see the love fest between them - she so deserves it! Mary is one of those rare people who one feels honored just to know, and I realize how lucky I am to be her neighbor. 

I better stop writing and get my arse out there before she does. I want to do her steps :) 

​Cheers. 

Being an artist can be challenging. It is fantastic to be able to make meaningful art things and spend time lost in the process. It is so interesting to bring to life ideas that had no form before. To always be learning new processes, absorbing new ideas, and to always be changing, means though,that the road is not always a smooth one. 

There are dry patches during which I can sense that my art is changing in terms of subject, media, or style. I could still be making pictorial fabric collage quilts like I did when I started years ago. I loved making those and felt extremely satisfied with the results. It felt right to keep going with the medium. I could still be making giant paper collages on canvas like I did in the early 90's. Loved them too. I could be doing tight counted stitch work like I've come back to time and time again (therapeutic, perhaps?) But it never feels 100% right to move in a backwards direction with hopes of finding artistic satisfaction. 

This is one of those fallow periods. I look at the past year and see it as a series of dabbles into new and renewed processes (English Paper Piecing, weaving, bead making, collage, fabric printing, etc.) rather than creating large "successes." That is hard to take in some ways as I have always valued productivity as an important part of the art journey. Certainly there are health issues that have impacted my ability to devote the time I'd like to my artwork, but that is not all that is going on, here. 

As part of the current Embroidery course I am taking through the School of Stitched Textiles, I have been presented with an idea that I just haven't been able to make work. I have tried multiple subject matters only to find that the initial enthusiasm was a mirage. I am feeling pulled to do machine embroidery drawings - something I have yet to really focus on -- but keep procrastinating. I take little baby steps, then run screaming in the other direction looking for laundry to do, or maybe a dishwasher to empty. I have seen others do such lovely machine embroidered work, I am both intimidated and put off from the experience. It is logical, but irrational. I do not want my pieces to look like things I've seen, I need to find my way of using the process so I feel like it is mine, and this course will help with that. So why is it so hard to jump in and do the work? 

Plain and simple, fear. Fear that the work will be ugly, not match my expectations, not "say"what I want it to say. Fear that it is so different from things I've done before that I "lose" artistic continuity. Fear that I won't enjoy the process or results. That it will feel like "work" rather than the magically escapist journey that art has been for me in my life.  I have to remember that it is just fear, and no matter what medium I try, the art will be mine, and to move forward in baby steps, a little every day if needed until the creative rocket launches and I just can't put the work down or walk away from it. It is bound to happen. 

For me the answer in times of artistic transition has been to be gentle, and lower my expectations, but make sure I continue to "show up" and do the work, even if it is less than I theoretically agree with. One night a week and time on weekends, for now, are devoted to this new direction, more if it takes off. At least one other block of time is devoted to what I call "R&D" -- more playing and dabbling without the expectation of Art. This has taken the form over the past week of playing with vector drawing with hopes of exploring digitally cut collages using a Cricut machine.  I am fascinated at the intersection of technology and fiber processes, as one is slow and methodical, the other is fast and provides immediate gratification. What an odd couple. I think this is the path I've been on for a while -- dabbling with digital embroidery, now digital cutting, as well as digital fabric printing and using the materials in more laborious, meditative processes. 

The fun part of being an artist is getting seemingly lost in the nooks and crannies of the journey...not knowing exactly which way to create, not seeing through the fog that is created by having so many potential directions. I know that I am very, very fortunate to be where I am, and have to keep the faith that through time, baby steps and effort, I will be able to look back and see that I ended up in the right (and only) place I could. Cheers. 

New year, new energy, blah blah blah blah. 

I slept 15 hours last night. 

Alas, I woke up without an alarm, and felt rested for a good fifteen minutes before the mind foggy tiredness crept back in. Here's to hoping I can salvage this weekend and the pets will forgive my lapse in attentive catering.  Tilly and El slept too, so at least they won't be holding a grudge. 

Some thoughts this fine morning as I drink strong coffee with hopes of physical and mental revivial:

Guinea Pig. I never knew I needed a guinea pig in my kitchen. I had a rat visiting my kitchen without permission and thought I needed to move as a result, and finally killed it (and his brethren) with brutal snap traps, putting Rodent Trauma on the list of things I'd like to erase from my mind should a sci-fi drug to do this becomes available. Horrific experience. Now, I look to my left, and there is a very corpulent rodent happily nibbling alfalfa on a piece of unicorn covered polar fleece, taking breaks to wash his little face with his little pink feet and showing me his tiny rabbit-like mouth, which makes me squee like a five year old.  Welcome, Piggy. I named him Basil, but have to admit, Piggy is sticking. Hope he stays for a while. Who knew? Age 51, like guinea pigs. New knowledge. 

Letting things go. Over the last year I have let go of a lot of things as my health has felt like it was getting worse. Guilt over not creating art every day was the biggest monster, and I focused each day on just getting through it, caring for my birds, dogs, and cats, and spending time with people I love. I fully understand how my dad's life grew smaller and smaller as he dealt with this plague (or something similar) so that all he seemed to do after a certain point was lay on his bed and watch t.v. It is downright exhausting, mentally and physically, to be in pain. The fatigue piece of the arthritis is an additional piece of the puzzle, and I can see that it has increased dramatically over the last six months. In my mind I would say "Yeah, so it is pain, so what, can't change it, move on..." and just keep pushing. Somewhere over the last year, the bag burst and I became just too tired to do anything. I've spent my creative time over this year experimenting a lot with computer printed fabric, English paper piecing, bead making, and very little else, and there have been no "grand pieces" to leave my studio wall. I get angry at the fact that I now have the tools and materials that I need to make the art I want to make, but my body doesn't give me the time. One of life's ironies, and I have to make peace with it. 

Small accomplishments matter. I go to work, a lot of people with the scourge of RA can't. I love my job, many people hate thiers. I walk my dogs after work nearly every day and multiple times on weekends, and try to give them as good a life as they can have. I have amazing friends and family who add color to an otherwise monochrome world. I have to remember that my "baseline" for an average day is an accomplishment in itself, sometimes. 

I haven't given up yet. Despite the want, I have not sold all my machines and fabrics and gone to live in a hut somewhere in Aswan, though the thought has crossed my mind. New meds might come out, or I might have a period of less disease activity so that I can do better and more. I am enrolled in a great textile course that is challenging me to think and create in new ways, and haven't given up the creative journey quite yet. That in itself is an accomplishment, I think. Cheers to 2019.