Made it to vacation. Quite a drag race of tortoises, this accomplishment. Have a two page to-do list and a brutally sore shoulder to accompany it, but am encouraged at the forecast of 61 degrees on Wednesday.  One goal is to get the stitching done on the current piece and get ready for the beading step. Am seeing lots of possibilities for the bead patterns as I stitch. It will be a joyful reunion with my little glass friends when they finally are liberated from their storage containers. It has been too long since I've gotten lost in the mayhem of small porcelain dishes and wire thin needles. I need to do this, so long as the shoulder cooperates. 

Am thinking of building a "beading on quilts" class. Not sure if there'd be any interest at this point, but might be fun to put all my ideas in one place online. I used to want to publish a book, but books are a tough sell these days, in this minimalist world. Maybe an online course is better. 

16 degrees out right now. The dogs are flopped on a stack of dog beds (that need refreshing, as do the pups.)  Just watching them sleep makes me flood with oxytocin and I wonder where I'd be if Teddie hadn't found me. She really revitalized my life. And Tess, dear Tessie, always first with a kiss and a need to be held, the first to bark at another dog then look at me with guilt. The first to implant a stray stick in her mouth and strut triumphantly down the street with it at the end of her leash. The first to roll over wherever she sees the possibility of a rub on her generous belly. And Fin, who digs in his heels on the walk and becomes a furry doorstop when he wishes to stop and sniff, and pee or pretend to pee. A trip around the block usually uses up his ammo half way around - but that doesn't stop him from trying. These three little dogs are my joy and happiness. Period. 

Van Gogh said something to the effect of: "I have art, and poetry, and nature...what more do I need?" 
I have art, and my dogs, birds, cats...what more do I need?

Am balancing the week ahead with plenty of media saturation. Will finish the latest Elizabeth George book (Lynley series), and started the "Stranger Things" show last night while stitching.  As I can never sleep in a quiet room (tinnitus, thank you kids, bass playing, and Squeeze shows) I have turned from you tube to Spotify and let the Joe Rogan show run. Sometimes informative and enlightening. Sometimes stupid. Breaks the silence and lets me sleep. And, I've cracked the spine on the new Squeeze book by James Griffiths. Quick read, a few fun anecdotes and unknown history along the way. 

The biggest goal is to not 'oversleep" this week. So far, I am failing miserably at this objective! ​Cheers. 

Saturday, will be beautiful and a balmy 60 degrees later today. All the better to remove the caked-on ice that still is clinging to sidewalks and grass. Even just seeing a little sun a couple times this week was helpful in my ability to push back against the urge to hibernate. Watching the pups literally frolic in newly revealed scents yesterday on their walk made me smile. Their whole bodies were celebrating not being frozen or having to navigate ice. As always, their happiness is contagious.  I think I slept more this week than any other, including one morning when I woke very late for work (!). Hoping sunlight helps reverse this time-sucking trend.  This weather is hard for healthy people, let alone those of us with mobility issues. 

I rarely watch television, but now have access to my computer while stitching so the inevitable Big Binge happened. My cousin recommended "The Man in the White Castle" and I was hooked from the start. A brilliant show. Twists and turns, profound characters brilliantly acted. Totally immersive to binge watch. Highly recommended!  It is the kind of story you watch and the characters stay with you. I have no idea where I was when this came out -- in a way I am glad so I didn't have to wait between episodes.

Making great progress on the most current quilted piece. The stitching is almost complete, and I am on to building up some areas dimensionally a little bit, and then onto the beads. I am happy with the direction this is going because I have a lineup of photos behind this ready to be played with in the future. I was floating directionless for a bit, but now that this one is underway, I think I found the path to take. Great relief, here. 
An artist always thinks their best work is yet to come. The unattainable art that is a high flying arrow that always misses the target by a hair. Challenge accepted, art gods, I'm not dead yet (though over the past year or so there were moments...) 

Kizzy has made a good step forward behaviorally this week, as well. He came out of his cage to hang with me while I stitched, and tried sitting on my shoulder. Usually I do not let him up there because of the bite risk. If he gets startled, he will instinctually lean in to bite me to warn me of a threat. This kind of bite is usually not from aggression directed at the person - it rarely is. So, as the night was calm, I left him shoulder and he was probably the happiest bird in America for a while. He bobbed up and down and blushed, and didn't try to take my glasses or even deposit a poopie. He stayed there and calm for about 25 minutes and then chose to sit back on his chair. Progress is progress!

My poor birds bear the brunt of my over-sleeping. They are always fed and have fresh water, but I know I don't spend the time with them I should if I sleep as much as I need to. They still seem happy, and I'll try to make up for it this week. Oh, to be a bird parent. I am so fortunate to have these beautiful "fids" (feathered kids) as they make my empty house a home with their funny chatter and good humor. Unless you life with an intelligent bird, it would be very hard to understand the impact they have on your life. Unlike any other relationship - human or otherwise. I don't know how I ended up finding this little flock, but despite the difficulties of keeping them (and boy there are difficulties), I feel so grateful. It is a magical way to live.  Peace out, everyone. 

Not just snow, but a full blown blizzard moving through the Northeast today. Up to thirty inches of snow expected by tomorrow morning. Going to be a long day indoors today, watching the snow pile up. A good day to straighten out the house as much as possible and hopefully dive deep into some artwork. It is a good thing I love the simple life and see this day of solitary confinement as a good thing. The puppies are very sad, though. They don't understand. It figures - I hire someone to plow my driveway but I will be out in hip deep snow clearing my puppies' pen so they can play. 

The current art piece is moving along well. Words and stitches are filling the photograph more quickly than I thought it would, and I am looking forward to finally beading again. So many ideas! I am trying to not over-embellish this piece, which is my challenge. I keep stepping back and making sure each area is not overdone with stitch, leaving room for the beads vs. layering everything. Bringing more paint into this one, too, and don't want to cover that up.  After a very long and frustrating creativity dry spell, it is so grounding to be back in the flow again. I had such a rough year in terms of health I just couldn't do more than function. All energy went to work, nothing else left. The puppies were the light in a very dark tunnel. I am glad things are better now and hope they stay that way. 

The new piece is called "Chronic" and includes references to what it is like to live with unmanaged, difficult chronic disease. It is hard not to sound dramatic in describing the challenges that people face with illnesses that never.go.away.  I have learned how to bury sickness with mental distraction - this is why work is possible and so beneficial for me. My brain gets filled with other concerns and the pain is held at bay a little bit. Once the major distraction of work is finished though, it comes back with an exhausting vengeance.

I will never forgive the medical establishment for the past year, and am eternally grateful to my current doctor that got things back on track. No one should be put in the position I was living within. I know what I went through is common today in the chronic pain world, and my heart breaks for others who are currently suffering. Not being able to move without incredible pain is no way to live. Along the way I dropped my art practice, thinking it was superfluous to my managing the medical issues. Housework, pet care, and sleep...so much sleep. It is all I could do.

How could I justify sitting on my arse stitching when there is so much to be done, and the body can't do it? Stitching and working on my art clears my head and tempers the energy. It gives me a place to "be" without being. It is a therapy I can not live without, and no matter how things get medically crazy again, I can't let go of it again. It is medicinal to go into a flow state and let go of conscious thoughts. Some people paint, or draw, or sculpt. I stitch. I need to. And it is okay. 

Poor Tessa doesn't understand what I am doing though. She looks at me as though I am staring blankly at the table top and wonders why I am not holding her. Rude awakening, furkid! She and Teddie were at my knee at ten last night pleading with me to go to bed. They both are slowing down from the super energetic puppy stage and are learning how to sleep on the doggie bed and just wait for something to happen. I hate to see it happen. They were the best little puppies I could have ever hoped for. To think of Teddie turning three this year makes me want to stop time forever.

​Is it possible to love your pups too much? I hope not. They truly add balance and energy to my life in a way I never expected. Who knew that I'd end up with three little dogs! There is an option to bring in a fourth right now but I don't think it is the right thing to do. We are good as a trio. 

As Van Gogh said: 
"I have nature and art and poetry...and if that is not enough, what is enough?" My dogs, birds, and cats are my nature, and my art is back. And I always have words, so many words. Life is good, despite the storm. 

Peace out, universe. 

Another new year, another little puff of energy from the universe saying "Things can get better!" I am not thinking better in terms of the traditional resolutions, though. Yes, weight loss would be great. Less debt would be wonderful. A cleaner house -- well, we all know how I feel about that impossibility.  The past year has been a real tough one for everyone...how can we all turn it around for 2022? 

Covid still hangs over our heads and shoulders in the supermarket and coffee shop. We hope it isn't around us, but it probably is. We all will be getting this thing, but I guess the longer you can hold out in getting it the weaker the strain might be. I am wading back into the germ filled cesspool on Monday, and am actually happy that we will be given real masks for the first time in this pandemic. I think the kids are going to start dropping like flies with the cold. They hang out together outside of school, participate in activities and clubs, and bring the germs to school with them. We do the best we can -- but there is only so much you can do when you put 600 people in a building together. 

Am grateful to be feeling better and feel ready to jump back into art again. I miss my beads and threads! The artist part of me that has laid dormant, only producing ideas for things rather than actually making them, is starting to wake up. I've decided to not beat myself up for this past year of artistic nothingness. I really do think I've done the best I can, but the repetitive assaults on my health just made being creatively productive impossible. I can do better now, and will. Am keeping a log of ways I contribute to cultivating my artwork every day. Without showing up, nothing gets done. Loved Eric Maisel's book on Daily Practice, a good read for New Year's. Begin again, from the ashes of illness and a lack of creative energy, A REAL build back better (unlike what the government is thinking they are doing...sigh.) 

With creating art comes teaching, and I am so looking forward to getting more classes off the ground. Have lots of ideas to develop and really miss my young art people who I've been working with for the past few years. And my older ones! You know who you are. We got together inside for an art time this week for the  first time since Covid started, and it was so nice. Art is a communal activity as much as it is an individual one. 

Cheers to a 2022 without drama on the personal, political, or social stages. Let's put our heads down and get to work. Cheers! 

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. A nice quiet day after a really busy week. Aren't they all busy? They are, but the week before Christmas is always a doozy. Today the weather made driving very treacherous as a thin layer of glassy ice adhered itself to the contours of my porch, car, driveway, and of course, the roads. Accounts of accidents all over town appeared on Facebook. We agreed  to meet up tomorrow, which created a nice breath of peace today.

The issues I wrote about last time regarding pain management are getting better. I am eternally grateful to a nurse practitioner that took the time to examine the course of treatment and irregular medication protocols I have been getting and seeing there were major issues. She referred me to a new doctor in the same practice who also noted the confusion and incomplete pain treatment. He adjusted the medication and VOILA. I am NOT pain free but am not struggling quite as much as I was. This doctor did not make assumptions about my use of pain medication, and treats me accordingly. I have not had to call or leave messages to clarify treatment. A Real Doctor! The one I was seeing was a nightmare, shame on him. Hoping things will get better now. I want to be able to walk my pups every day, even in the cold, and the proper pain med regimen depends on it so that I can move. I would not wish rheumatoid arthritis (and the other back and nerve issues) on my worst enemy...except for maybe the last pain doc I had who literally made me suffer for almost a year.   

2021 continued it's assault with a diagnosis of kidney cancer in September. I had surgery to remove the tumor in early December, and should be fine now. This is a banner year for my physical decline! Two mass removals, one cancerous, and an extended colitis bout, with excessive pain present for most of the year. Also, Ms. Ellie went to heaven, and is finally at peace. I had not realized how she had declined until that last week. She was a beautiful, stubborn dog that held on til the end, bless her loving pug heart.  She would have gone on indefinitely while coping with a constant cough and fight to get air despite all the treatments we tried. It was hard and awful, but she needed the help to pass on. And another baby becomes a box of ashes on my shelf. Soup to nuts, I know she was loved every day of her life and was never treated badly. She enjoyed her last meal of a few McDonald's hamburgers and fries, too. My sweet pug. 

Cheers to this awful year! 

Now that it is all in the rearview mirror, and the belly cuts are healing up nicely, I want to return to being an artist. And examining what that actually means. Throughout this disasterous year I have had idea after idea for directions to go in, and have entered my art room when I could, but often felt too poorly to do anything while there. I felt like my own art dried up and slipped away from my reach. "Why bother making anything when I feels so awful?" was the prevailing thought. "Because I have to!" was the reply, but I just haven't had the energy or mental clarity to be consistent. Really depressing. I have signed up for some fun online classes to watch when indisposed, and want to start meeting up with art pals again. I need to step back into the water, I am sure the temperature will be cold at first, but I will acclimate. 

Thinking about what it takes to restore my artistic thinking and practice. Daily practice is essential, I do know that. I am not sure how that will happen. I love Eric Maisel's book on Daily Practice.  Sadly he has limited answers for people who are physically challenged. Mental challenges have lots of good strategies - but pain and no energy are very hard to counter. Maybe there is a book to write on this subject...but I have to get through it and get back to a productive place.  

January is always a good time to start something new...I'll keep thinking. Cheers! xx 

I'm baaaack....sort of. For now. Dodging the arrows of poor health on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, but in this moment, I am here! Tired of thinking "I need to get back to the blog...and art...and life..." I am going to try yet again to do something. Anything, at this point! Below is a summary of the past months...warning - it is not about art. It is about why there has been no art! Boring to many but needs to be documented for those who think I've been on vacation. 

The past year has presented health challenges in several forms that have sapped my energy and ability to work on anything that was not an immediate need. Without getting too specific, let's just say that that RA and back issues have kicked my butt lately, and the pain levels are off the charts. Pain doctor thinks I am well managed and leaves snarky comments like "patient told to stay active" in the visit report notes. He doesn't realize how hard I try to do just that, including walking my dogs around the block when the pain is so bad I literally am on the brink of tears with horrendous foot and leg pain the whole way. I think he thinks I sit around at home watching the Hallmark Channel or something, maybe eating bon bons? Sorry Doc, I don't watch tv. Instead, I have spent the last eight months living like half a person -- at least half my time every day is spent laying flat, staring at the ceiling praying for the pain to calm down enough for me to get up and move again. It is actually exhausting to have so much pain you are pushed off your feet. This is no way to live and I resent it.  That resentment doesn't help. 

Pain used to be better managed, but the state of Massachusetts has made it impossible for me to obtain the medication that worked well for me for about ten years.  It wasn't perfect, but at least it gave me more control than I have now. I now am given a "safer" medication that a) takes about 90 minutes to start to work and b)provides about 50% of the previous' medication's effectiveness for about 4 hours, then pain gradually creeps up again. I can take this med twice daily, with doses twelve hours apart. I have been given a "breakthrough" pain med to take when "things are really bad" -- which is truly every day! This med may be taken once a day and again, takes about an hour to be felt and does about 50% of the job for about 3 hours. At the last visit, the doctor said I could take up to three of these a day, but would dispense only thirty pills a month. I said that wouldn't work. He said "Some days you take one, some days you take none." As if pain ever gives me a vacation. When I tried to explain that I am not managed now with the med arrangement we have, I was told "You are getting enough," and that was the end of the discussion. A rational person would say "Go to another doctor!" and I am rational. Trouble is, switching pain doctors is akin to "drug seeking behavior" and makes it less likely that anyone will treat you at all. The devil you know is better than the devil that won't take you on as a patient, I guess. 

And, the pain is only part of what has been going on. Good grief. Smacked down with inflammatory colitis of some sort since the spring. Love the weight loss benefit but it has been a pretty terrible way to do it.

Add to it a surgery in June to remove a mass from my face in a very strange place, next to my nose. The cut nerves are slowly coming back, along with a lump of either returning mass or scar tissue. Glad it wasn't malignant, just an inflammatory mass, thank you RA. The sudden itches and nerve strikes to the area have me swatting at my face like I am being attacked by bees. So attractive. No world, I am not picking my nose. I might be squeezing it though to tell the nerves to stop!

And as a final swat to the body pinata, another medical issue has cropped up that gets pushed to the top of the pile and will be evaluated this week. Looks like some type of surgery is likely in my future. Greatttt. 

Writing all of this here does help me validate my lack of artistic productivity over the last year, anyway. It is not meant to be a gripe session, just an explanation of my absence from the creatively productive world. In my mind I am still making things! And want to! So many beads, so little time. My hands have not picked up a needle in months. I can see where I'd like these hands to take me as soon as I can find the energy and focus to do so -- as a matter of fact, my hands are one of the few body parts that don't hurt, which is surprising. I used to be able to channel so much energy into the stitch -- hoping for that to become a regular activity again. I need more than hope, though. I need proper pain management. Sigh. 

As always I thank GOD for my pups who have been the best pals a human could have through all of this. Their antics and snuggles have given me some much needed joy. They are truly heaven-sent little creatures. Ellie is on the struggle bus with "old dog lungs" and constant coughing, not sure where this will end up. Cough syrup helps a little. Hard to know when she wants to give up the fight -- she is a stubborn little dog, like her mama, I guess! Cheers.  

Isn't it great to be outside? Even just a little. on the few warm days that are peppered between the cold rainy ones? The backyard outdoor "studio" is set up and outdoor time is possible. The doggies run to the porch door with excitement to be let out to play in their pen. the cat does too, and tries to squeak out with the dogs, but I'm on to him. Not that again, Theo. When he was young (4 or 5) and still going outside he disappeared for about 8 weeks only to be found starving in a neighbor's locked barn. No Theo, you are staying in by the open window. Sorry pal!

I posted some art classes for kids this summer and have no idea what to expect. Threw a lot of ideas out there and will see what happens. I like to keep busy and remember the long hot days of summer when I was a kid and how much fun it was to have an art class. Washington Park had "Art in the Park" and there was always Jones's uptown, bless them. How they put up with a little kid coming in to buy penny pom poms, chenille puffs, and little glass stones is beyond me. 

Am gradually emerging from the uncreative stupor state that has haunted me since this pandemic began. Granted the health situation is still a daily challenge, but I am forcing contact with my art space and confronting my lack of effort head on, and it seems to be working. The ideas never stop coming and the sketchbooks are full...it is just having the energy and focus to bring something to fruition that is the challenge. Still need to complete the final module of the C&G (UK) class -- am not giving up on that goal. 

My hands have joined in the arthritis party, symmetrically, and if I don't start using them more I fear the worst. Though I was told that didn't really matter, I am trying to use it as motivation. The Feet have really become miserable with rounded bony protrusions sticking out where my arches used to be, and toes doing all sorts of unnatural throbby things. The pain medication I am on now doesn't do half of what the previous one did, so it is a daily challenge to stay distracted. The trouble with pain is that the more you feel of it, and the longer you feel it, the more fatigued you get, and it is hard to stay distracted by doing something when you are exhausted. Add to it the fatigue from the RA itself, and, well, Dunkies knows to expect me after school every day.  

Grateful to have my little pups to cheer me along each day. They are magic. Each has such a strong personality and we have our routines, and I can't imagine life without them. Ellie da Pug is plodding along, stubborn as her namesake, surprising me every day with some gesture or movement. Because of the pain I often don't feel like walking these guys but then I look at Teddie's little determined eyes, and see Finny's dance of excitement, and off we go. I realize I have never felt worse when home from a little walk than I did before. If anything, I feel a little better because of the fresh air and cuteness at the end of the leashes.  "Stay active and avoid rest" was the pain doc's last note -- as if I am laying around on a divan all day in front of a tv running soaps. He really doesn't know me. But, what do you expect after two 10 minute appointments? And this is who controls my pain, my life. Yikes. 

Am thrilled to have discovered some really great brain food lately in the form of Jordan Peterson's writing and lectures. He is given a bad wrap of being very far right, but really isn't. I love the way he tells stories and weaves in comparative religion, fairy tales, and mythology. Am reading 12 Rules for Life right now and know as soon as I finish, I will be re-reading it again. LOADED with gems. Highly recommended and insightful. Found out that his daughter suffered juvenile RA with joint replacements while very young, and in the past two years he has been experiencing severe health issues, too. Am wondering what gems of writing will come out of this period in his life.  It is always refreshing to learn new coping skills as I outgrow the ones I thought were working. 

​Onward. 

Ah, spring! Just like that, crocuses popped up and the air is filled with birdsong. And a lot of pollen, or something, that is making many people I know run around feeling like they *might* have Covid. Myself included! Had an unexpected sneeze in the produce section of Market Basket the other day and the stares were unbelievable. Shouted "Allergies!" but I think onlookers were not comforted.

Is it clay dust accumulating in my mask? Is it pollen? Is it part of a reaction from a recent medicine change? Is it part of the RA/inflammation process? At least we are being pool tested at school now so that Covid is mostly off the list. While I got the vaccine earlier this month I am not sure I will even mount an antibody response because of meds I have to take. We shall see. Something is better than nothing, I hope. 

Spring means setting up the outdoor art room again and watching flowers bloom. Can hardly wait for that last part. Zinnias and roses, maybe some daisies, but definitely zinnias. At the first whiff of nice weather I felt compelled to order seeds off Amazon, and then found that several of my neighbors did the same! I ordered the giants with 5" blooms. I love the bright colors and large blossoms of the zinnias, and how they seem to bloom forever into the cold fall. Such cheerful, bright, and intensely colored little marvels.  Last time I started zinnias in the house Cairo ate them all in one go, though, so will have to parrot proof the Aerogarden.  Modern problems. 

If I can find the Aerogarden, that is. The table that it usually sits on is a mountain of stuff remaining from raising the puppies. Clothing that no longer fits, food they won't eat anymore, bags of treats and rawhide ordered in advance, toys, all mixed in with "good" recyclable junk I have saved for my art classes. It is a mess. Time to tackle it and restore order. Same goes for the entire room, really, and the porch. And, and and. It is so hard to keep up when I don't feel well. Things that seem possible and do able when I have a "good pain day" become insurmountable and forcibly ignored most of the time.

Past few weeks have been exceptionally difficult as I was forced to change medications and it was not a smooth transition. Pain levels are off the charts, which is leading to more exhaustion. I am grateful that through all this I've had my little pups to distract me and keep me going with their antics. They are growing up so quickly it is a little scary. Teddie will be two this summer. Two! How did that happen? I can imagine how fast it must seem for parents of human babies.

As I write this Teddie is curled up on my lap, all warm and cozy. I lift her little head and kiss her nose and tell her she is the best little fluffy girl ever. Because she is. Tessa is precious too and I love her to bits, but Teds is different. She is an "old soul dog" that has a calm and perceptive energy.  Never really does anything wrong (ok, so she likes the wild escape and run down Temple Street every now and then) and just has a lovely, selfless spirit.  She always tries to take care of the other pets and her siblings when they play, and is the first to nestle into my pillow and put her head on my shoulder at night. Sometimes angels come in the forms of dogs, and I truly think she was sent to me with a mission -- every day has been better since she came. Her one non-negotiable demand for being perfect is a few small nibbles of chicken on her supper, which I will gladly obey.  I hate the disappointed pouty face I get when the chicken is absent. Ellie trundles over and will eat her dog food as it is, but my little fuzzy lambs will not. 

Every day I think of how I can get going on the most recent art project and final module for the Certificate course that is still on the table. I have had a full year and...well...nothing has come to fruition. So many ideas bogged down with the need for sleep and blocked by not being able to stand or sit well enough to do very much.  I literally dream of beading but can't get started as I haven't finished the piece to bead on yet. This has to be special. Have started a collage and made some dimensional fabric forms that might work their way into the design, but the end result isn't clear yet.

Am working digitally and have some cloth to print. Am experimenting with integrating photos, and digitally altered photos, into the still life fabric collage format.  My sewing machine was broken from 12/4 until a week or so ago, so there is that, but I know the main reason for my creative sluggery has been health related. I tell my exhausted self that I can push through and work for an hour or two at night but then anything I make is clouded by a lack of enthusiasm, and I pay for the standing time the next day. Hoping spring brings a new wave of energy and good health along with sunshine so I can be more productive.  It is so hard to be patient with yourself when you can't meet your own expectations, over and over again.

Yet, the art spirit persists. Have almost filled a big sketchbook since January - a big accomplishment! Have started a little drawing time on Friday nights on Zoom and it has helped. Having a non-negotiable drawing appointment forces me to do SOMETHING at least every week, and sets the tone for the weekend. Anyone is welcome to attend this informal, free group. Message me for details.  

How is it Sunday already? Good grief! Cheers. 

Coming out of a long, gray, cold winter. Finally! We had two days of weather that let us shed our coats and feel the sunshine. Yee-hah!  Then, last night, the wind picked up and literally howled around the house and the temperature dropped, forcing me out of bed to turn the heat up a scooch so that the birds would be warm enough. 

As we turn the corner on the Corona nightmare, and vaccines will be flooding the area soon, the fear and isolation may be lessened to a point where life is back to "normal" soon. There are many aspects of this last year that I want to remember and keep with me. How often do we live through a year of serious pandemic in a lifetime? Hopefully this is it, now. 

I have learned that the reason my house is not spotless is NOT because I don't have time. 

I've learned that for some people fear can become irrational and life changing. 

I've learned that sometimes a new puppy can be an unexpected life-renewing event.

I've learned that I like to be alone, very much, thank you. 

I've learned that I can just about get through anything. 

And, hopefully, that last one is a thought shared by us all, kids included. People are ranting about how all this disruption will translate into kids "being behind" and that all learning is completely quantifiable like pennies in a jar. It just doesn't work that way, sadly. I think kids are resilient and flexible, and this unusual experience will provide them with a meaningful context for the rest of their lives. 

I am now vaccinated, Johnson and Johnson, one and done. Felt rotten yesterday so it might have been a reaction, but could have "just" been arthritis.  Due to recent medication changes, a broken sewing machine,  and an uptick of disease activity I have not been very productive in the art room and, as always, am hoping for better days ahead.  The ideas are there, the energy is just not there to make them. Maybe spring will help! 

Yesterday the book from the Baldishol-inspired exhibit arrived. I love seeing everyone's art - so much variety! It is a small book but a lovely book, and I am honored to have been included this fine exhibit. 
Cheers!

Merry Christmas, world. 6:22 am and the coffee is perfect. It is horrible outside, howling winds and sheets of rain hitting the darkened windows. Yuck. Poor Santa. I am sitting here in my Hampton Beach zip up sweatshirt, a fine memory of summertime and my Happy Place.  I'm also wearing these amazingly soft and warm hang-out-pants that my neighbor Anne passed along to me. They are fleecy on the inside and just right for a morning like this. I refuse to say they are sweat pants. Gruesome thought. Christmas Day is special because of how it changes all of the energy in the world for one day. I imagine little kids are already up and at 'em or ready for the first of several naps. Parents are exhausted. But maybe a little less so, this year. 

Because of "The Corona", I am sitting this one out.  I don't have symptoms beyond the usual allergy nonsense, but the looming thought of "What if?" lingers. No visits to cousins, to sisters, to aunts, and even neighbors get the gift of my absence this year. It will be a quiet day here, with my little fur and feather family. Am thinking of washing the floors as they really need doing, but part of me thinks that might be sacrilegious or something. And part of me HATES doing the floors.  Maybe a day of guilt-free art is in order...I have so many little things going, a good day to tie up loose ends. 

Marc Almond, God bless him, held a live Christmas concert this week. The set list was a mix of traditional holiday songs and his own music. Will definitely give that a run through and sing along, so there's something! Marc is the best. He knows people are stuck home, he is stuck home, and he is doing this to make the best of it and keep the musicians he knows working. He doesn't charge for these concerts but does accept donations to the studio fund, which is terrific. My modern Perry Como. Can't wait. 

Hapi asked if we are going to school. No way, Hap! Not today! But, a little bit of school is watching me from across my table right now. It's big pink eyes are staring at me and the glittery fabric is to die for. A little heart dangles from its mouth as it sits cheerfully waiting.  Thank you, Caroline, for the adorable Beanie Baby. SO MANY (TOO MANY) students included me in their Christmas gifting this year, which always amazes me. Life is hard enough, Christmas is hard enough, to be thinking of teachers - but it is really nice. I am always amazed and humbled when a card appears with careful student handwriting on the envelope. I treasure every one. So much love! Back at you, kiddos, and your kind families. I hope everyone is happy right now, feeling loved. If not, know that I love every one you to bits! 

On the home front, celebrating has been simple, once all the gifts and baking was delivered. I often wonder if people open things I've baked and go "No thanks!" because of the assumed domestic chaos and pets in my home.  I promise that I am vigilant about keeping food prep areas clean and making sure there are NO unintended ingredients. Nibble away. I have been! All those broken cookies...I've been holding off in getting new jeans because I am in between sizes...that might not be a problem in the near future. Oops.

Have been binge listening to my new favorite comedian, Devin Siebold. His podcast is called "Crying In My Car, a Podcast for Teachers."  Show me a teacher who has not left the building and done just this at least once and I will show you someone who isn't a real teacher. When I taught in Boston I had many commutes home that were used to flush out the new-teacher crisis of the day in order to function when I got home. The state of overwhelm is nothing to be taken lightly. It can take years to get this gig down, and just when you think you have it, it changes! His podcasts are hysterical and range from giggles to full out laughter. He gets it. I want to be in his classroom. I can only imagine how much fun it would be! 

Artistically 2020 has been a wash for me. I made the Baldishol piece, but still haven't completed the last unit of my UK textile art class. Hoping not to time out on this one! Maybe it is puppy motherhood, maybe it is just increased anxiety and age, I don't know. I really want to try to pull my stuff together for 2021, though. As always, I have big plans and little time and energy to do them. It is a great thing to be an artist though -- one is never bored. There is always another branch on the tree to reach for, even if you don't have enough swing to get there.  As recalled in song by Pat Fish, "Life is short and it's always getting shorter..."  I haven't done what I want to do in art yet...still trying, moving, experimenting, growing...but it hasn't come together like I would like yet. Always something to work for.  Yeah, the floors might have to wait today...! 

Merry Christmas from my zoo to yours.