Three day weekend behind us. It was a nice taste of the time to come this summer! Instead of thinking of what I "got done" -- which is irrelevant as there is a never-ending list of required things, I just want to think about what I feel good about having done. I washed floors. Not the best job ever because my lower back and legs are bad right now, but good enough. I did laundry and checked on my baby bunnies in the yard. I watched the mama rabbit nurse. I food shopped and cage cleaned and cooked dog and bird food and and and...I played with my newly fixed Pfaff CV machine! So far the only time it acted up was when m thread tangled and it SHOULD have acted up. I sewed! Several things. And it felt really good. 

Here's a sneak peek of the piece to come. This is a large digital print I made last summer and am finally getting to use. I see it getting the royal treatment in terms of beads and stitching, so am not sure how much of the original imagery will be shown in the final result. I love to have the unknown at the end. It IS a journey if the piece is going to be a good one -- the whole time the question of "will this be a no-go trash piece?" has to be sitting on the table along with the fabric and beads, to keep it interesting. Kinda like life, I guess! Already I've hit that point with this image. The colors are all "wrong" for me. The imagery didn't lend itself to collage as it was so busy as it is. The digital textures get a bit lost in the process, yet yield new shapes to stitch that I didn't really know were there until it was under the needle. I didn't add paint first, as I was not really sure where the paint needs to be yet. Am thinking some painted separate elements stitched to the surface later if needed...ummm...new door opens! 

My bedtime story book is currently one that I've had a long time but never really digested. Last night I was ogling over the massive content of this book. Celtic Embroidery: Machine Embroidered Cetlic Images is deceptive. While focusing on Celtic imagery, which is defined and explored in a very technical way, the multitude of textile processes revealed in the provided samples and projects would take a lifetime to try. Just amazing work. Coming from Valerie Campbell Harding and Maggie Grey -- would anything less be expected? Goddesses, both. 

In my travels this weekend I visited the fabulous Artist and Craftsman shop in Saugus. Alex asked me to participate in an upcoming artist's Pop Up Art Sale on June 24. I love that store and am happy to support it! Mark your calendars, who knows what will be on the table that day! Enjoy the day -- can't believe it is almost JUNE!

Ok, this is serious. My little dabble with making a yoyo the other day has developed into a full blown mini-obsession that I have almost completely and successfully ignored. I have dreamed of making yoyos. I have thought of making them when I sat down to sew the other night. I saw a scrap of fabric in a drawer and thought "That is yoyo material." And, I even watched a video about the Clover yoyo making tool, of which I was highly skeptical. I mean...really...you need a tool to make a yoyo? 

Since I am committed to growing as an artist and trying things that I feel are inspiring whether they make total sense or not, I was convinced a tool WOULD be helpful, and Primed it. Either my standards for artistic behavior are slipping, or I am on the brink of a revolutionary creative application for the humble fabric yoyo. Yeah, must be the former rather than the latter. 

Or, I just might teach kids how to make them for fun next year as I continue to try to bring more fiber art into the classroom. 

In any event, though I would love to try it out right away, tonight is my school's PTO Open House, at which I am hosting a fun art activity called "Still Life with Parrot."  I have fake fruit and fake flowers, a variety of small objects, and several parrots available for people to observe and draw, and add to a group composition. I hope it is crowded and fun.

​Makes time go by and gives the kids memories, and lets them play.  Maybe next year we will have a yoyo making workshop. 

Graduation season, knowing multiple people who are going through this meaningful right of passage this weekend and next. A beautiful spring day with little humidity and lots of glorious sun. So lovely and full of potential. 

Waiting for the legs to work. Sigh.  If only my body could keep up with my brain. But that is an old story. 

The happy news, I hope, is that my PFAFF CV machine is back from the factory! They assure me it is repaired and that there is a new feed dog system in place and it should work like a charm now. I am not sure I believe it as the machine has been such a troubling piece of equipment, but will give it a go.  I am hopeful. I really want to explore more digital embroidery on soluble fabric and need the PFAFF to do it. I've missed having it in my art room -- something is missing. I have several pieces that were waiting for it's return, so if I can get some things done around here first, I will be able to get going. If, if, if. Onward in this crazy, painful, challenging, yet beautiful world. 
​

I arrived at the appointment last fall full of trepidation and pre-resentment for being treated like I had been before by doctors confronting my pain levels from RA. I'd been to a "Pain Management" clinic where I was told to pee in a cup and that if results showing I'd abused meds were returned, I'd be held responsible for hefty charges for the test. Like a naughty child. Or, worse, a criminal. Even had to sign a paper about this before being seen. This after being asked multiple times how long I had back pain when I'd repeatedly stated that the pain wasn't in my back.  After my RA doc opted out on continuing to prescribe the pain meds I need to stay functional, IN HER OWN WORDS and AFTER SHE'D PRESCRIBED THEM FOR LITERALLY YEARS, I was forced to find a "Pain Management Doctor." Lucky for me, I found Northshore Pain Management and Dr. Field. 

Dr. Field listened earnestly to my case history. He did say, much to my annoyance, that there "was no such thing as rheumatoid pain." My dirty look probably communicated much more negativity than I felt. As he looked at my mangled foot however, and observed multiple swollen and painful joints and heard that I've exhausted available treatments for the RA that has caused them, he let that case go. He tried me on a different pain med with hopes of a better result, and suggested more shots in my back on the Wednesday before last Thanksgiving. He probably was alarmed at the amount of questioning and hesitation I displayed, as I've had them before with little result, and my ultimate cancellation. Even though he PROMISED he'd take care of me and the shots wouldn't hurt.  I think of him earnestly looking me in the eyes saying "We will help you, and you will be ok." That was enough. I was emotional, filling up with the frustration of not being understood, and sincerely felt he understood the depth of my problem in that moment. I need to stay functional in order to keep my job, pay my mortgage, feed my family. Hey, even make some art from time to time. Without pain meds, as I had done before stoically and agreeing to try them, I was losing it all. If I had to return to a life with unmanaged rheumatoid pain, it would not be a life worth living. Period.  Read between the lines. Pain medicine has SAVED my life, not ruined it. 

My appointments were transferred to a wonderful nurse practitioner who also understands the issue at hand. She disclosed that a close family member also has RA, and she has seen first hand the debilitating pain it causes. If anyone reading this dares to judge, I encourage you to step back and think about what it must be like being trapped in a body that stays in a widespread, inflammatory state. No reprieve beyond sleeping, if you can get it. Pain upon movement, pain upon rest.  Trying immunosupressive med after immunosupressive meds without long term results. Not for days or weeks, but years.

Readers of my blogs and close friends understand this situation and "get it." I don't expect anyone else to, and am not sure if others truly can. Pain meds make me functional and pack the pain into a more easily carried container, rather than be being carried in a container by the pain. If that makes sense! I am a BETTER teacher, a BETTER human, a BETTER everything because I am not in a constant state of literal suffering, Am I "high?" No way. Not even close. I am just not consumed by pain signals to my brain that demand immediate attention. Instead, the matter at hand gets my undivided attention first, the way it should be. 

Back to Dr. Field. 

Last Friday, a lowlife, disturbed and dysfunctional immigrant gained access to his apartment. According to news reports, he was tied up with is beautiful and hard working fiance, and murdered in horrific conditions that do not need to be described here. Brutal, crude, violent. If he'd been shot it would have been merciful.

This lowlife did not even deserve to be in this country. 

The couple will be buried tomorrow, the end of their stories. The end of helping people in this world who need it in order to continue living humble lives. The vile piece of trash that committed this crime will be held and supported by taxpayers until his death. As evident by this blog post, I am very angry.

The ultimate values of this country do not espouse violence and brutal treachery.  If you come to the US, you'd better be willing to at least do no harm to the people who live here. Simple. Yes, life is hard. You have to work hard. I do, despite feeling physically miserable 99% of every day. Tough it out. 

How dare anyone come here and take away a human life that was in a position to offer hope and healing to others? And think for a minute that it was a conscionable act? After attempting to be a bank robber, twice? And more importantly, how dare the judge overseeing the sentencing of this perpetrator purposefully reduce his sentence so that he could stay here, only to commit this heinous crime? It makes no sense. Trouble is in the sensationalist culture we live in, this crime will be passed over and disappear into the sea of other news pf unimportance. 

But it was important to me. I am sickened, shocked, and more surprisingly, very, very angry.  

God Bless You, Dr. Field. At least from what I've been told you lived an adventurous, full life in your 49 years. It is unbelievable that one person could stop all that good from continuing, for you and for your fiance. It is an uglier, more painful world without you in it. 

​

Sometimes avoiding the big artwork is important, at least in my case. I have been sketching, painting, doodling, and creating daily without a lot of focus, and feeling kind of annoyed by the randomness of what I've been making. Where is the Real Art? It's been a while!

I have come to see, though, that this is the fallow period during which other, bigger, more substantial works take place. I can tell my art is changing now to include digital imagery. Making the jump and using a whole new type of imagery in my work. I can not just put it through the same process I've been using. It is new! I am seeing larger scale works than the smaller, heavily embellished pieces, yet have been holding off on the actual start. The new piece waits on my table, I pass by it daily multiple times. Sometimes there is a cat on it, but I still can see enough of it to know what I am dealing with. I know my brain is working on it...figuring out the next steps so that when I do decide to cut into it and take the Big Creative Chances, I'll be ready. I've not made up my mind which way this piece will go, and have to be creatively patient. This doesn't mean procrastinating...anything but. It means living with ambiguity for a while, and following the muse. 

In the meantime I am investigating new teaching opportunities. I might offer classes here at the Petting Zoo, and also want to try to teach a college level class again. Maybe at a community college rather than at Mass Art? Though the cream of the crop is Mass Art to me, and I'd love to give teaching there another whirl someday. If only the health piece could get under control. Hard to be fully present as a college teacher when pain levels are so high. I digress...lol. Trying not to dwell on the pain but it's been a horrid beastie lately and there are times during the day when I feel like curling up in a ball like and giving up. But then I think, "Then what?" and just keep on plugging. What a life. 

Hoping for enough energy to get things done today and be able to move the cat off my current piece and give it a careful, brave looksie tonight. Maybe even cut into it...! Cheers.