Dr. Field listened earnestly to my case history. He did say, much to my annoyance, that there "was no such thing as rheumatoid pain." My dirty look probably communicated much more negativity than I felt. As he looked at my mangled foot however, and observed multiple swollen and painful joints and heard that I've exhausted available treatments for the RA that has caused them, he let that case go. He tried me on a different pain med with hopes of a better result, and suggested more shots in my back on the Wednesday before last Thanksgiving. He probably was alarmed at the amount of questioning and hesitation I displayed, as I've had them before with little result, and my ultimate cancellation. Even though he PROMISED he'd take care of me and the shots wouldn't hurt. I think of him earnestly looking me in the eyes saying "We will help you, and you will be ok." That was enough. I was emotional, filling up with the frustration of not being understood, and sincerely felt he understood the depth of my problem in that moment. I need to stay functional in order to keep my job, pay my mortgage, feed my family. Hey, even make some art from time to time. Without pain meds, as I had done before stoically and agreeing to try them, I was losing it all. If I had to return to a life with unmanaged rheumatoid pain, it would not be a life worth living. Period. Read between the lines. Pain medicine has SAVED my life, not ruined it.
My appointments were transferred to a wonderful nurse practitioner who also understands the issue at hand. She disclosed that a close family member also has RA, and she has seen first hand the debilitating pain it causes. If anyone reading this dares to judge, I encourage you to step back and think about what it must be like being trapped in a body that stays in a widespread, inflammatory state. No reprieve beyond sleeping, if you can get it. Pain upon movement, pain upon rest. Trying immunosupressive med after immunosupressive meds without long term results. Not for days or weeks, but years.
Readers of my blogs and close friends understand this situation and "get it." I don't expect anyone else to, and am not sure if others truly can. Pain meds make me functional and pack the pain into a more easily carried container, rather than be being carried in a container by the pain. If that makes sense! I am a BETTER teacher, a BETTER human, a BETTER everything because I am not in a constant state of literal suffering, Am I "high?" No way. Not even close. I am just not consumed by pain signals to my brain that demand immediate attention. Instead, the matter at hand gets my undivided attention first, the way it should be.
Back to Dr. Field.
Last Friday, a lowlife, disturbed and dysfunctional immigrant gained access to his apartment. According to news reports, he was tied up with is beautiful and hard working fiance, and murdered in horrific conditions that do not need to be described here. Brutal, crude, violent. If he'd been shot it would have been merciful.
This lowlife did not even deserve to be in this country.
The couple will be buried tomorrow, the end of their stories. The end of helping people in this world who need it in order to continue living humble lives. The vile piece of trash that committed this crime will be held and supported by taxpayers until his death. As evident by this blog post, I am very angry.
The ultimate values of this country do not espouse violence and brutal treachery. If you come to the US, you'd better be willing to at least do no harm to the people who live here. Simple. Yes, life is hard. You have to work hard. I do, despite feeling physically miserable 99% of every day. Tough it out.
How dare anyone come here and take away a human life that was in a position to offer hope and healing to others? And think for a minute that it was a conscionable act? After attempting to be a bank robber, twice? And more importantly, how dare the judge overseeing the sentencing of this perpetrator purposefully reduce his sentence so that he could stay here, only to commit this heinous crime? It makes no sense. Trouble is in the sensationalist culture we live in, this crime will be passed over and disappear into the sea of other news pf unimportance.
But it was important to me. I am sickened, shocked, and more surprisingly, very, very angry.
God Bless You, Dr. Field. At least from what I've been told you lived an adventurous, full life in your 49 years. It is unbelievable that one person could stop all that good from continuing, for you and for your fiance. It is an uglier, more painful world without you in it.