Merry Christmas, world. 6:22 am and the coffee is perfect. It is horrible outside, howling winds and sheets of rain hitting the darkened windows. Yuck. Poor Santa. I am sitting here in my Hampton Beach zip up sweatshirt, a fine memory of summertime and my Happy Place.  I'm also wearing these amazingly soft and warm hang-out-pants that my neighbor Anne passed along to me. They are fleecy on the inside and just right for a morning like this. I refuse to say they are sweat pants. Gruesome thought. Christmas Day is special because of how it changes all of the energy in the world for one day. I imagine little kids are already up and at 'em or ready for the first of several naps. Parents are exhausted. But maybe a little less so, this year. 

Because of "The Corona", I am sitting this one out.  I don't have symptoms beyond the usual allergy nonsense, but the looming thought of "What if?" lingers. No visits to cousins, to sisters, to aunts, and even neighbors get the gift of my absence this year. It will be a quiet day here, with my little fur and feather family. Am thinking of washing the floors as they really need doing, but part of me thinks that might be sacrilegious or something. And part of me HATES doing the floors.  Maybe a day of guilt-free art is in order...I have so many little things going, a good day to tie up loose ends. 

Marc Almond, God bless him, held a live Christmas concert this week. The set list was a mix of traditional holiday songs and his own music. Will definitely give that a run through and sing along, so there's something! Marc is the best. He knows people are stuck home, he is stuck home, and he is doing this to make the best of it and keep the musicians he knows working. He doesn't charge for these concerts but does accept donations to the studio fund, which is terrific. My modern Perry Como. Can't wait. 

Hapi asked if we are going to school. No way, Hap! Not today! But, a little bit of school is watching me from across my table right now. It's big pink eyes are staring at me and the glittery fabric is to die for. A little heart dangles from its mouth as it sits cheerfully waiting.  Thank you, Caroline, for the adorable Beanie Baby. SO MANY (TOO MANY) students included me in their Christmas gifting this year, which always amazes me. Life is hard enough, Christmas is hard enough, to be thinking of teachers - but it is really nice. I am always amazed and humbled when a card appears with careful student handwriting on the envelope. I treasure every one. So much love! Back at you, kiddos, and your kind families. I hope everyone is happy right now, feeling loved. If not, know that I love every one you to bits! 

On the home front, celebrating has been simple, once all the gifts and baking was delivered. I often wonder if people open things I've baked and go "No thanks!" because of the assumed domestic chaos and pets in my home.  I promise that I am vigilant about keeping food prep areas clean and making sure there are NO unintended ingredients. Nibble away. I have been! All those broken cookies...I've been holding off in getting new jeans because I am in between sizes...that might not be a problem in the near future. Oops.

Have been binge listening to my new favorite comedian, Devin Siebold. His podcast is called "Crying In My Car, a Podcast for Teachers."  Show me a teacher who has not left the building and done just this at least once and I will show you someone who isn't a real teacher. When I taught in Boston I had many commutes home that were used to flush out the new-teacher crisis of the day in order to function when I got home. The state of overwhelm is nothing to be taken lightly. It can take years to get this gig down, and just when you think you have it, it changes! His podcasts are hysterical and range from giggles to full out laughter. He gets it. I want to be in his classroom. I can only imagine how much fun it would be! 

Artistically 2020 has been a wash for me. I made the Baldishol piece, but still haven't completed the last unit of my UK textile art class. Hoping not to time out on this one! Maybe it is puppy motherhood, maybe it is just increased anxiety and age, I don't know. I really want to try to pull my stuff together for 2021, though. As always, I have big plans and little time and energy to do them. It is a great thing to be an artist though -- one is never bored. There is always another branch on the tree to reach for, even if you don't have enough swing to get there.  As recalled in song by Pat Fish, "Life is short and it's always getting shorter..."  I haven't done what I want to do in art yet...still trying, moving, experimenting, growing...but it hasn't come together like I would like yet. Always something to work for.  Yeah, the floors might have to wait today...! 

Merry Christmas from my zoo to yours. 

The thud on the porch was not as loud as it should have been when the boxes arrived today. I couldn't open my front door! Thank you, Mr. or Ms. Fed Ex Person for so gently delivering the gifts I ordered today. The dogs didn't even freak out! They were stacked neatly in a pile in front of the door so it couldn't open. Starting to feel like Christmas? Nope. 

The kids in class asked for Christmas music the other day. Too soon, I thought. Maybe next week. One class persuaded me to give it a try and it was irritating like sand in a bathing suit. Granted, it was Mariah Carey, but...Anyway, I went back to my instrumental music after that and the kids in the next class didn't ask for holiday music, so I was spared. Starting to feel like Christmas? Nope. 

I look at the three large Santa suit outfits my neighbor got for our puppies to wear together some day. They need a little adjusting to fit the little pups, but it will be worth it when we can have all six small puppies dressed up and playing together -- outside -- at some point. What a photo - a pug and five maltese. Mrs. Santa and the elves? Maybe that will do it in the "try to get the Christmas vibe going" thing? 

Found adorable beads that were just crying out to be made into holiday earrings. Made them and while I didn't feel like wearing mine, I will be sending them off to friends starting this weekend. Just because I am not feeling it doesn't mean I can't try to get the goods going for other people. 

I think of The List -- the big Christmas shopping list I made in November and haven't looked at in a while that needs to be dusted off, no matter how I am feeling about the upcoming holiday.  Usually I am happily making a few gifts, thinking of how to surprise friends and family. This year, it feels like my friends and family are voices on a phone or images on Facebook.  Not sitting around sharing stories. Being in school now means exposure to about 250 kids over two weeks, which means it is not impossible for me to be unknowingly exposed to Covid. That means I stay away from everyone except for grocery runs. Shouldn't that leave me lots of time to be creative and work on my art? 

I try to, and at the end of all the Must Do's every day I consider popping the lights on in the art room and throwing an hour or two at the several projects I've started. As always, the ideas keep coming, daily, but the energy and time are lacking. Makes no sense in some ways. I look back at a week and realize I have done very little work towards my main passion. I long for a project that immerses me in beads and stitch. It is how I relax, how I process the world. How I breathe and find meaning.  How I grow in a way that satisfies me and makes life feel valuable. How can I never find time for that? 

I suppose it is 2020, and nothing is really going well these days for anyone. The political climate is really awful right now. I never thought I'd see such instability in our government. I really think that people that are denying that there have been election irregularities are ostriches with their heads in the sand. Maybe that is a better approach? It is easier not to know the truth about some things. It seems like the more I learn about the person who believes he will be president, every day, the less hopeful I am.  I am not a radical crazy nut - I was an independent voter who has always tried to learn both sides of issues as they've come up in the world -- and can not believe how misrepresented the world has become in mainstream media. We are being divided by propaganda, and I am so glad my Dad is not here to see any of this incredible mess. The great gray cloud of 2020. It certainly is providing cloud coverage for the holidays! 

I miss my art pals, the ones that came to my humble and crowded front room every Tuesday night for years to laugh, snack, and do art together. Over time they became dear friends that were a source of laughter, strength and reason as I supposedly "taught" them classes. Their kindness knows no bounds. Today I was visited by one of them, who brought a huge box of museum quality Christmas cookies. A tradition that makes her happy to do, and her friends thrilled to receive. She actually came in and sat for a few minutes and chatted, and patted Teddie after not seeing her for nine months. Tessa is all grown up now - a testament to how long it has been since we could all get together. I say how much I miss them all and look forward to getting together again. We sigh. 

I pick up the heavy box of cookies after she leaves. They should be in the fridge as they are probably 300% butter. So many kinds of cookies, made to perfection. I think about having one, but then think about the fact that I need to lose weight, that my sciatic nerve is pinched so badly right now I am literally in tears and extra weight doesn't help this at all. I think about a lot of things that make me feel defeated. I accidentally
​bump the box against the refrigerator door and the top pops open. My favorite kind is on top! A beautiful combination of caramel and chocolate. I stop and smile. I think of her kindness in including me on her "cookie list" this year despite all that is going on that makes friends feel like strangers. Well, this cookie can't be shared with the puppies anyway...so...

Starting to feel like Christmas? Getting warmer -- thank you, Barbara. XO