Blue hand group! Last night my intrepid groups of art loving dyed fabric! We had two vats -- one a deep purple/black and one made from pre-reduced indigo. Brings me back to my college days of living in the fiber kitchen at Mass Art learning about dyes and making batch after batch of interesting tones. Am I alone in loving the smell of newly mixed MX dyes?  The utterly synthetic and plastic-y smell brings images of new Colorforms to mind, too. Yum. 

Messy, but if you plan it out right first it can be contained and cleaned easily. My 1970's kitchen doubles nicely as a dying space as long as I am thoughtful about where the dye is, and where the parrots are, for that matter! Last night we dyed our stone-shibori bundles and the stitched pieces. These are the most labor intensive methods - from here on out it is just folding, twisting, clamping, and dyeing. Bring on the color! I don't like commercially printed fabrics too much anymore and feel that hand dyed pieces might be more inspiring. 

I love how fun this process is -- like magic, really. The intensity of the tones and the contrast is electric. Indigo is fun to watch -- the yellow green turns into a rich navy blue before your eyes as it hits the oxygen in the air, and then changes again when being rinsed. SO MUCH FUN. And I need fun! We all do! The indigo batch is in the washer now and will be followed by a tiny load of the chemical dyed stitched pieces.

We sat around a table last night cutting rubber bands and releasing the stones that helped create rich bulls-eye patterns all over our cloth. It is a community activity as the dye makes names hard to see, so we each just grabbed a piece and did the handwork. Very tribal in nature. It was fun to see people's reactions to the fabric as they were undone - gasps of surprise and appreciation. It takes a lot of time to do this kind of thing, so not like so much of our modern world. So special!  

My two 5 gallon plastic Market Basket buckets are on my kitchen table, dangerously close to the edge. If Toby investigates, the still-full indigo mess could turn Tilly a lovely shade of blue. I tossed in some threads and cotton twine in there last night and will see what comes out today. More play is needed, and the indigo batch is good for 3-4 days, so I will keep playing. 

The buckets look fine on my kitchen table and might stay there for a while. Dyeing is good therapy for my slow-poke self. I feel like I accomplish something, beginning to end, when the cloth is done.

Today is lovely day. Sunny, dry air. I overslept after being up several times last night (prednisone, prednisone...) and am trying to get my mojo going now, albeit later than normal. Trying not to rush, too, and trying to tell myself it is ok not to rush through every morning.  The arthritis is being a bear lately and while I hope it is just the physical repercussions of the end of the year stress, I have to acknowledge that time is marching on and the repeated assaults on my joints and tissues is taking its toll.  Instead of adding more toxic drugs to the chemical stew that I have become, I'd like to add more art and fabric dyeing. I think it helps just as much. 

Now...what to make from all these beautiful fabrics? Cheers!

Pop Up Art Sale at Artist and Craftsman in Saugus today! I would have liked to participate but a) I wasn't ready, and b) the birds nails are terribly overgrown and Matty the Marvelous is available to cut them so that has to take a priority. Four of the five birds will pile in to a steamy car and head north. The car top will have to stay up due to rain, and since it got flooded yesterday, I anticipate interior sauna conditions. Ick. I also will be dropping off a bag of toys for the baby raccoons to play with at Carol's since some have already been donated. Such nice people on the Reading Community board. The babies will be busy and happy in no time. Twenty little sweaty black hands need to be busy -- if only I could teach them how to bead... 

All good plans get changed, I guess. I was looking forward to some serious playtime in my art room last night without distraction. As I sat in the IV chair I thought about what I would be doing, and was getting happy. Then BAM a sudden explosive shower / thunder / microburst happened. My car roof was down, so I had to get the IV unhooked to go put the roof up (alas, it was too late. There was a clear inch of rain in the car.) It was bad. When I got home, I found Anne, Mary, and Pat sitting on my neighbor's steps with the fire department looking at Sharon's house which now had half of a hundred+ year old tree leaning on the roof. The fire department blocked off the street, the police came, then Sharon was reached and came home. The building inspector came, The arguments with the insurance company commenced (Liberty Mutual was NOT HELPFUL, FYI.) and then the tree company came and artfully dismantled the monsterous tree with delicate precision. Really skilled work. There is a lot of damage. 

All the neighbors were gathered to watch and finally got to meet each other, which was nice. Had we known how long it would take, we would have had margaritas. At least this got everyone familiar with each other and a real gathering is in the works. Our street is special. We always have been a good neighborhood, breathing with enough privacy and distance, but connected through helpful friendship, kindness, and community. It makes such a difference to have everyone acknowledge that we are all truly living together -- the in and out of daily life, the snowstorms, the rain storms, the holidays, the gardening, the wildlife, the traffic. It is a village on my street, and with so many new couples moving in (and so many babies!) the new neighborhood is being formed. Makes me happy to hear one neighbor say "We never want to move! This is such a great neighborhood!") Mostly due to the leadership of Anne and Mary, the matriarchs of our street. We all laughed that none of us could tear ourselves away from the tree cutting last night and how we all found it to be a source of entertainment on a Friday night.  At least no one was hurt, and Sharon is safe, staying with her son until things get sorted. What a mess. Sharon was in shock and everyone rallied to hang out with her until her son had things sorted and took her home. Community makes a difference. 

So, no art yesterday. And today is Bird Nail Day. Then maybe some art? I want to put my whopping IV steroid dose to good use. Onward! 
​

The boxes are packed and while my school desk needs a thorough interior cleaning, the top is empty and washed. Ahhh, summer. I finished cleaning up the major messes yesterday and now have about a dozen school projects that I have to do over the summer in my big fat To Do book. My first vacation activity was to retire to a booth at Cafe Nero and set up my summer notebook. A page for each day -- all 67 of them -- and many pages of lists. I will never be bored this summer!

Am I ever really bored, though? I don't think so. Tired, brain foggy, sore - indeed. But never bored. My millions of to do lists keep me going. Art To Make, House Stuff to Do, Things to Learn, Big Onerous Tasks, Pet Projects, School to Do, and more. When I get a breath I look through the lists and nail another task. Simple but it seems to work. 

Yesterday I visited my amazing vet Carol in NH to get Toby's medication (ka-ching / ouch) and got to play with the sweetest baby raccoon I've ever held. A real cuddly fella that loves to give kisses. They 'named' him Teddy. He's teething and at one point nibbled my neck a wee bit too hard -- looks like something else! Carol is loaded with baby raccs right now and needs enrichment for them. Will have to muster up some baby toys to help keep the kids entertained. Such hard work. Kudos to all who help wildlife get by in this greedy-people world. These babies didn't ask to be here, yet here they are amidst us. And they give kisses. 

As part of the ongoing projects, I have about a million and a half small things that needs sorting and selling this summer. People are kind and pass along unwanted stuff to me, and I am going to try to put it all online to raise money for things my students need. I have glass art slides, rubber stamps, and postage stamps. Individually the things are worth little or nothing. But, with my time and organization, I might help these things find homes where they will be used or loved, and raise a little money in the process. Takes a lot of time -- a LOT OF TIME -- but is satisfying and fun in a Virgo sort of way, too. 

It is so great not to rush this morning and know it's going to be this way for a while. Not sure Hapi likes this, though. He just said "I want coffee and toast." I have no idea how he put that string of words together. I love having time with these feathered kids and truly appreciating them instead of seeing them briefly before and after work. Quality time. Baths every day, much cleaner cages, and more scritches. 

I'm going to try to complete the Embroidery UK Machine Embroidery course, too. I'd given up, as I was so stuck on the first module and my machine was broken. I can't give up that easily, though, and just can't give up yet. A worthwhile project, like the others...including the need to refresh my skills with Adobe and plan a new curriculum for the kids, and clean out my cellar, and clean out my clothes room and closets, clean out the car, and and and...welcome to summer! 

And maybe take Kizzy to Hampton for fireworks a few times. Cheers! 
​

Started the day off with a lovely surprise. One of "my" baby bunnies was hanging out near my back door. I believe it is the one that stayed close to the nest that I'd picked up, smooched, and tried to put back in the hole several times. While I called Mama Poppy, baby will be henceforth named Pepper. My intellectual standing was reduced to that of a five year old while I carried out a gleeful bit of chatter with said bunny, as it sat munching my overgrown grass and looking at me with the deadpan bunny eyes. I wonder if it recognized me as the evil human that kissed it. Hmmm.  I waited to put out the dogs, then Poppy came along and whisked Pepper away to more hidden places. Love me my bunnies, Great start to the overcast, damp morning. SO GLAD to see at least one of the babies survived.  Looks like I can not mow my grass again! ANd man, it is tall. 

Speaking of tall, the Tall Ships are in Boston today and tomorrow, I'd love to see them.  I am pretty sure that I can't get in there by train due to The Legs and Feet. It would really be scary and hard to get partway there, get on a ship, or on the way home, and have pain get overwhelming.  Once again, pain wins. Sigh. TV just isn't the same. Would love to photograph Kizzy against such a pirate-like backdrop. But even he isn't allowed entry to the ship area. What fun is that?! 

Grateful that the majority of the school year is done and my weeks as a full time artist loom ahead. I have so many things to try now that my PFAFF is back. It is hard for me to realize that my art has changed so much over the past few years. Instead of being inspired by commercial or batik fabrics and constructing collages of images, there has been more of a shift to surface and texture. I am more into mixed media and embellishment now -- the beads and stitch have taken over -- and the fabric underneath isn't the main star anymore. My color palette is a bit different, too - more subtle and less "stained glass" like. It's hard to realize that a method that worked so well for creating art in the past might be just that - in the past - and new avenues are more interesting.  I haven't a clue where I "am" as an artist right now, and realize that is okay, and it is an inspiring place to be. I do know that threads and beads are involved, though. 

As I've made this artistic shift and been dealing with less productivity and more "percolating," I have been voraciously reading books on textile arts. I have been reading the digital version of Cas Holmes "Stitch Stories" which is jam packed with technical ideas and even references using methylcellulose on paper and then sewing it to fabric. Yeah, baby! Love my meth (glue!)  The digital copy wasn't enough for my artistic hunger, so I broke down and ordered a copy off Amazon as a "end of the year" launch supply.  Toby is becoming more expensive due to medication costs and I can not spend any money on anything unnecessary these days as long as he lives (and pees. Oh, my world) and my own medical expenses are over $200 this month, too, but thought this was an acceptable educational expense.  As Ma used to say, "You have to live, too." 

And on that note, this week is full of memorable days. Boncuk turned 10, and my dear friend's son (my favorite 6th grader!) turned 12.  The next day Zaza turned 9. Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of my Dad's death, which I sadly remember like yesterday, and then Sunday Hapi turns 8. That's a whole lot of celebrating and remembering.  And my neighbor and cousin's daughter had birthdays, too, What a week! 

The good, the bad, and the ugly. Amidst all this, art happens.  Or tries to, anyway!

My blog should be renamed "Trying to Make Art!" lately. Warning, I think today's blog will contain ra / pain ranting so read no further. I use this blog to document and bear witness to it all and this is "one of those mornings." Good grief.  I write about it but know reading it is a bummer and unrewarding activity, so read no further if looking for art news today! 

When you have a malady like this you learn how to hold "it" together for long stretches of time, putting one sore leg in front of the other, putting the pain in a side car as you ride in the slow lane. You don't want to think about it, even though it interjects its unpleasant self into thoughts with almost any movement, and even being still. You function. Day by day. The fear that hangs over your shoulder saying "What if it takes over and I can't ignore it anymore?" is very real. "What if I can't do this anymore?" THIS could mean working, walking, climbing stairs, caring for animals, food shopping. It pushes you on to ignore it, deal with it, cope. Not let yourself feel like disaster is looming and you just.cant.take.one.more.painful.step. Denial is a beautiful survival tool. 

These are times that you feel relatively okay. The pain is there but not demanding immediate attention. You can walk across the classroom without feeling like you need to stop or sit. You are able to keep the pain denied to a proper functional level. You can get things done and while it might mean you have to rest a bit, you can bounce back. It is the normal that you've lived with for a long time now.  You are "functioning." 

You take the daily DMARD meds, the OTC anti-inflammatories, the prescription pain meds (which are counted down to the day so you better not experience more pain than usual, or you'll have none at all), the intravenous biologic meds, the natural supplements and recommended vitamins, plus all the other meds for other ailments, and hope for the best. You avoid processed foods and if you are lucky you've identified any "trigger foods" that cause flare ups (I haven't found much yet in that department.) You keep moving because "rest is rust" and it feels better to do that than sit. You cover the necessary bases of working, preparing for work, caring for pets and chores, and IF that leaves any energy for anything else such as time with friends or family, or art, you carefully evaluate whether it is more important to rest or do that "fun" thing. Rest usually wins. 

If you are like me, you generate multiple "To-Do" lists as you try to create the illusion that you are in control of your life. The lists have hundreds of things on them that need doing, and you know even as you write them down, chances are slim that you'll do more than put out fires by completing the most necessary items that need doing immediately. It's just the way it is. 

Then there comes new territory that I am now inhabiting. Where the veil of denial becomes thin  The past few weeks my legs and feet have been out of control in terms of pain. Both feet have been swollen to the point where fitting them into shoes has been a challenge. My ankles are now cankles, and the pain is pretty constant. Here's the rub, though. I have pain down both legs pretty consistently, which was caused by my lower back the last time it was a problem. I need to get this checked, I think. But by who? 

Each doctor tends to their own disorder, and I don't know which doc to see. The RA doc just sighs and says "I hope the next infusion works for you, as we've tried all the drugs that there are now." The foot doc says "The pain is from RA and there isn't much to do until the disease is controlled." The pain doc says "What does the RA doc say?" Do I go back to the back doc, or is it RA? Primary care doc is not helpful. I have to self assess the cause of the problem, make appointments, and wait for a long time until appointments are available, most likely with the wrong doctor. Maddening. 

In the mean time, the name of the game is "deny, deny, deny" and stay functional. Unless, of course, you wake up like I did today, so full of pain and gimpiness I had to grab my cane just to make it across the kitchen to get the coffee started. I literally had pain so bad I had tears in my eyes and thought "I just can't do this." But what is the option? 

More rest doesn't always help. It can make things worse, as not moving brings on more stiffness and the inflammation takes over.  Got to put one swollen and painful leg in front of another and go. So what does one do? The Hat of Bodily Denial slipped off my head this morning and it wasn't pretty. 

The need for my morning beverage was real, and I did it. Ah, espresso, my love. My elbows are flaring, too, so even using a cane presents a challenge. I took my morning pain medication, made my coffee, and sat down to wait for a little relief...even though it hasn't touched the pain levels I've had lately. I look around my messy house, my messy life, and can only hope things get better as the day goes on, and that my ability to deny my reality improves. These moments of stark awareness of it all are made more manageable by the repeated demands for breakfast from my feathered friends, and the patience exhibited by my old pups as they sleep on their beds until I am able to get them breakfast. It's gonna be a while, kids. 

It is a beautiful day today, really nice weather with sunshine and warm temps. I need to clean my house, top to bottom, and am counting on my usual state of denial to return so I can do what has to be done. Forgive this self-indulgent blog entry. It is hard to think about art when the Hat of Bodily Denial slips off my head and is misplaced.

Somewhere in this list of things to do is art. Stitching does make me feel better as I get lost in it. It is therapeutic for me. I have a hard time justifying time spent doing this, though, when there is so much else around me that needs doing.  It sits like a reward, waiting, if only all the other things can get done first.  

One more espresso and will hit the to-do list with my denial intact. What other option is there? Cheers. 

Well, I've made the jump from offering classes at Create to starting one under my own roof. I'm hoping it is going to work out, here, and am glad I have a lovely intrepid group of participants ready to give it a whirl! Love you guys!! I made a logo for the classes and emails and stuff, figuring if my house can't be clean, at least my logo can. :) Thank you, Toby. Oy. 

Kidding aside, though, this is a good step forward for my attempts at being a wee bit more commercial in my endeavors. It was so easy to put together a storefront on the Weebly page and I feel now I have a place to put artistic things for sale. The textiles don't photograph too well (I have a really hard time photographing them) so am thinking even adding supplemental short videos of them might be better (to capture the way light interacts with the surface.) Still thinking on that. Ahhhhh, summer is coming, thankfully. 

Off for Science Expo Day as soon as the legs cooperate. On espresso #2 and still waiting. Going to be one of those days, methinks...ugh! Cheers. 

The last few weeks of school are here. The frantic pace behind the scenes to ensure a good finish is in full swing and we are blessed to have rain. Rain that will keep kids dressed in more than beachwear. The organization needed to end a year of art for each of my classes (all thirteen of them) is significant, as is the need to clean and re-organize everything that has come undone in the last nine months. Which is a lot when there are 350 hands in the mix every week. Lots of energy required. 

This mornings espresso is perfect. Bonus! Looks like a double cup morning. Read a good article about a study yesterday that showed that coffee can help pain levels that are escalated by a lack of sleep.  I try to get enough sleep, but know it isn't always the best sleep, so am sure that contributes to the chronic pain mix. Does that mean that insurance can pick up the tab for espresso beans? A new fabulous coffee house opened in Reading center (Cafe Nero) -- will have to sip cheap tea there this summer and make my real stuff at home!

On the art front, I am still trying to plug away every day, despite feeling like I am stealing precious minutes from the Toby 24 Hour Cleanup Project.  This past week I printed out some small pieces made on the computer using Corel and quilted them last night. Hoping that I can get lost in the stitching and beading in the next few weeks and have some interesting things for the Artist and Craftsman sale at the end of June, and beyond. The "small" digital pottery pieces I made before were my attempt at making lower cost works that didn't take months to complete...but they did! Instead of making smaller, less densely embellished works, they became overly embellished to the hilt (no surprise there, really.) Many, many hours on each piece. So, here we go again at trying a less labor-intensive, more inexpensive series of pieces that will have beaded trim, skull dangles, and some stitching, too. The scale is right, I hope! 

Just happy to have something to focus on. Getting lost in the handwork is truly the best medicine for pain. Using my hands to bead and stitch gets my mind in a different place that puts pain in the back seat. As long as the pain isn't so bad that I can't start, which is often the case. These days the legs, right down to the feet, are really painful and I'm finding walking challenging right now, again, and am scared there is a back issue brewing. Hoping beyond hope that it is just a weird inflammatory thing and will pass. Till then, I'll keep cleaning, stitching, and sleeping. 

One underestimated part of this constant issue is the social piece. When every day is filled with unpredictability, discomfort, and the need for rest (sometimes spontaneously) it is hard to make plans with others and to stay connected to them.  I miss people in my life that I don't see enough, and the relationships I don't have or can't maintain. I realize there are people that must think I'm a selfish person who doesn't reach out to spend time with them. It is part of being sick all the time. I finally understand why my father was the way he was, and can see isolation as part of having RA. Yuck.

This leads me to be more connected on social media, which is helpful, but also kind of embarrassing when I slip up and post something about my frustration with being sick or in pain.  Kind people respond with understanding comments and I feel like it looks like I am begging for attention, which I really am not trying to do. I am just venting...sometimes seeing it written somewhat validates the craziness of living within a body that is a painful prison a good deal of the time.  Sigh. 

Life goes on, and I will again try to do the best I can, and stay positive. Others have it much worse than I do, and I know this (which adds guilt to the mix, too.) If I can get through the day without needing to get off my feet by 4pm, there's a chance I can medicinally stitch for an hour tonight. What a goal! Cheers.